Karenpie

Dear Chicago

2011-10-20T00:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Chicago,

My mom, my sister and I will be there on Thursday. I just wanted to give you a heads up so you could make sure your SWAT teams are in place. Also, could you tone down the wind? My hair looks cute for a change and I’d like it to stay that way.

We plan on hanging out downtown. The three of us are gonna do an “Occupy Magnificent Mile” all on our own. If you need to find us, follow the trail of American Express transactions.

Please try to stock up on wine.

Sincerely,
Karenpie

Mice and Laundry Sex

2011-10-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

Many years ago I used to get a monthly newsletter from Dr. James Dobson. One month he shared a story about a young woman who had a problem with a mouse in her house. She set a trap and finally caught it but unfortunately, this was a true trap. The kind that caught the mouse in a little cage. The kind that allowed the mouse to live.

The young lady freaked out. The trap had done it’s job but now it was up to her to kill the mouse and she couldn’t do it. It was too horrible. She also needed to go to work and she just couldn’t deal. So she devised a way of putting the mouse down without having to touch it or cause bloodshed - she drowned it. She submerged the cage in a bucket of water and high-tailed it out of the house for work, knowing when she came home the deed would be done.

When she arrived home some 9 or 10 hours later, expecting to find a dead, drowned mouse, she found something else - the mouse was still alive.

He had climbed up as far as he could and - reaching, straining, up on his toes - managed to find a way to get the very tip of his nose above water to keep from drowning. For 9 or 10 hours this tiny mouse stood on aching toes with just barely the height to breathe through his nose.

I feel like the mouse.

There is so much stuff swimming in my brain, so many items on my to-do list that I feel like I am up on aching toes, reaching and straining to stay alive because if I relax for just a couple of minutes I’ll go under and never come up.

Yesterday I found myself standing over my kitchen sink, hands shaking, stomach churning, mind racing.

Why, you ask? Because there were dirty dishes in the sink. And the floor needed to be mopped. Our cat was alternately whining for food and chewing the fur off of his legs, belly, arms - anywhere he can reach - because he’s allergic to fleas and I needed to give him medicine.

I looked out the kitchen window to my formerly beautiful dahlias that I haven’t dead-headed in a month and which have been attacked by spider mites no matter how much poison I spray on them. Then my racing mind skipped over to the garden where I think there are beans going to seed but since I haven’t actually looked at the garden in a couple of weeks that may or may not be true.

Then I glanced down at the patio which was currently displaying one of the cat’s most recent trophies - a mixture of bunny fur and guts. There was also a dead mouse in the mix.

There was a sick kid upstairs. I needed to go grocery shopping. I was 3 days behind with Bible study. I hadn’t blogged in almost a month. I’ve put on weight, homework projects were piling up on the kitchen table and don’t even get me started on the laundry. I had one load mildewing in the washer and the dryer was on it’s 3rd fluff cycle because I couldn’t get around to folding the clothes.

Then, as so often happens when I’m simultaneously having a pity-party AND a brain meltdown I made an honest-to-God scientific discovery. I’m surprised the rocket scientists out there don’t know this because it. is. seriously. genius.

Here is my discovery - ready?

Laundry, if you give it enough privacy and space will spontaneously turn into it’s own life form and start regenerating. It will multiply. It’s like all the dirty clothes, hanging out there in the dark, start getting ideas. They look at each other and say, “Hey baby, how you doin’?” and then they start making babies. The problem is they only make socks that don’t match.

You’d think, if dirty laundry is going to be allowed to have sex, it would be considerate enough to have identical twins in socks.

I think my brain just exploded.

Fat Friday: Baked Penne with Sausage

2011-09-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

Question: Is there ever a sweeter, more thoughtful gift than someone bringing you dinner? I remember when I had newborns, volunteers from our church would bring a meal. I returned the favor over and over because it was so very helpful.

I like to take meals to people. Families who have just moved into a new house. People who are sick or who have had surgery. Moms who just had a baby and can’t put their babies down long enough to cook. What can I say? I like to feed people.

Many months ago, my sweet friend Susie gifted our family with dinner and she did it for no reason at all. She’s a busy mom herself, with three kids, so this was especially sweet.

Seriously folks - as much as I like to cook, I LOVE it when somebody cooks for me and yes, this is an open invitation. You may bring me dinner anytime from now until eternity. It will give me more time to play Plants vs. Zombies.

Just sayin’.

Anyway, Susie brought our family this pasta dish and guess what? EVERYONE LOVED IT. It was a miracle. So naturally I’ve made it a part of our family’s repertoire. It’s easy, tasty and kid-friendly. It’s perfect! Also, you probably have all the ingredients in your pantry.

Let’s get movin’ . . .

Break up a pound of Italian sausage in a large saucepan and begin cooking it. Use your nifty mixer/chopper thingie. While that starts to cook, chop up an onion.

If you’re lucky enough to own a NEW! CUTCO! SANTOKU! you should probably use it only be careful because new knives have an uncanny ability to amputate fingers.

Add the onion to the meat and cook until soft and translucent.

While the sausage/onion mixture is cooking, bring a large pot of salted water to boil and begin cooking the pasta. The original recipe called for ziti but I couldn’t find any at the store so I got this. I think any tubular pasta will work.

TANGENT ALERT:
Do you know how to pronounce the word “penne”? It’s PEN-NAY. Just like “pen” as in ball point or ink pen. It’s not pronounced - under any circumstances - PAY-NAY. You want to ask me how I know this? Really. Ask me. It’s not embarrassing at all. Anymore.

Many years ago, my friend Anna invited me to dinner. She and her boyfriend, Mark, were making homemade pizza and - joy of joys! - wanted to share it with me. It was an excellent meal - a simple, homemade pizza crust with fresh mozzarella, tomatoes and fresh basil. Yummo. As we ate, we talked about Italian food and what our personal favorites were. I shared with both Anna and Mark that I was a sucker for pasta - any kind of pasta - but my favorite was penne. I called it PAY-NAY.

“I love PAY-NAY! It’s my favorite of all!” I then proceeded to say PAY-NAY about 60 more times.

Do you know what PAY-NAY means in Italian? Go on and guess. I can wait.

It means “penis”.

I had just told my friend and her boyfriend that I loved penis and it was my favorite. Oh, and did I mention that Mark was Italian? Did I mention he was fluent in Italian? And was getting his doctorate in Italian at IU? Mark very gently, graciously and quickly corrected me.

The next time you think you’re a big dork just remember this story. I think we’ll all agree - I win.

Let’s get back to the food. I’m assuming you still have an appetite.

When the meat and onion are cooked through, drain off the fat. Or not. You’ll have plenty of time to schedule that angioplasty after dinner.

Mince a couple of cloves of garlic and add to the meat mixture.

Stir in the salt, oregano, basil and pepper and let them cook for a couple of minutes. . .

Then add a can of diced tomatoes and a large can of crushed tomatoes. Sometimes I just put in some tomato sauce instead of the diced tomatoes. It makes my kids happy.

Let this sauce simmer, stirring occasionally, until it’s thickened to your liking. This would be great on spaghetti, too!

Pour the red sauce over the cooked pasta . . .

. . . and stir it all together.

Next you’re going to need 2 c. shredded mozzarella. I had some fresh mozzarella in the fridge and used that but it was hard to grate because it’s so soft.

Grab your cheese grater and go to work on ¼ c. of Parmesan cheese. My cheese grater is looking especially handsome today, isn’t he? Such a sweetie . . .

Pour half of the pasta mixture into a 9x13 pan. Top with half of the cheeses. Pour the rest of the pasta mixture on top and finish with the rest of the cheeses.

I ended up slicing the fresh mozzarella and laying it on top. I love, love, LOVE using fresh mozzarella cheese!

Bake about 20 minutes at 400 F. Let it sit about 5 minutes before serving it. Honestly - we just dug in. It was a bit soupy but we totally didn’t care.

Printable recipe here.

Whip up a green salad and open a bottle of wine.

If you’re drinking wine, we’ll excuse you from mispronouncing Italian words.

Fat Friday: 5-Minute Homemade Ice Cream. No lie.

2011-09-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

In the Karenpie household, we’re serious about our homemade ice cream. There’s a certain way you make it and the perfect recipe to use. We don’t just slap something together, freeze it and call it ice cream.

Nope.

Because we are experts - connoisseurs if you will - and there’s no fooling us.

Now sit back, I feel a story coming on.

When Duane was growing up he had 2 uncles that were dairy farmers, Uncle Dean and Uncle Jerry. There are no longer any working dairy farms in the family, but back when they were milking? And they had an ever ready supply of fresh cream and whole milk? Oh boy did the family know how to make ice cream.

Whenever there was a family event, out would come the ice cream freezers. The aunts would assign the flavors - vanilla, chocolate and strawberry - and each family would bring a freezer full of ice cream to the party.

*TANGENT ALERT*

Doesn't that sound fun? I'm going to cultivate friends who have ice cream makers and plan a ginormous party! We'll all bring a different flavor and there will be brownies and cookies - in case you want to make a sundae or an ice cream sandwich. There will be caramel, chocolate and butterscotch syrups. And there will be sprinkles! Lots and lots of sprinkles.

Sprinkles make people happy. I'm pretty sure most of the world's problems could be solved with sprinkles which leads me to another tangent . . . how come I haven't been appointed the ambassador to somewhere? I think I've made my political savvy and skill pretty evident in this post alone.

Back to the story of making homemade ice cream.

Now these were not the easy, electric, no-sweat-inducing ice cream freezers we have now. We’re talkin’ hand cranking, baby. There would be a kid cranking and a kid sitting on top of the freezer to keep it in place. If little arms got tired, they either switched arms or called for help. The ice cream was done when it was too hard to crank anymore. Once Duane hit Junior High (that's 1970's code for "middle school") the family had purchased an electric freezer and his days of turning that dasher by hand were over.

So I hope you can understand, with this kind of history in the family, that our homemade ice cream is nothing to tinker with.

Until now.

During both of the boys’ 4th-grade years when they were studying science, they came home with this recipe and both times I blew it off. It looked intriguing but I wasn’t ever in the mood for such a tiny amount of homemade ice cream.

I usually prefer the bucket-o’-ice cream size.

Nevertheless, it was always there in the back of my mind and one beautiful night this summer I decided to give it a try. Plus, I was all for the kids working for their after-dinner treat. Hey - aerobics AND dessert - what a winning combo! Of course that only works when you’re 8 or 10 or 12. I wouldn’t put up with that nonsense now.

Want to see how to do it? We’ve got a holiday weekend coming up and it’s a perfect activity for the kids - any size kid!

Here we go . . . .

For each serving you’ll need:

½ c. milk or half-&-half

1 T. sugar

½ t. vanilla

4 c. ice cubes

¼ c. rock salt

2 sandwich-size ziplock bags

1 gallon-size ziplock bag

If you decide to take pictures of the process, you may also need a goofball kid in the background. If you’re low on those, call me. I have extra.

Pour the milk or half-& half, sugar and vanilla into one of the sandwich-size ziplocks. Since we were making 4 servings, I used a muffin tin to hold the baggies. If you own a jumbo muffin tin, use that. The regular size tin I have worked but wasn’t quite big enough.

Here, our experts are adding vanilla. When you’re finished making the mixture, seal it up and carefully try to squeeze as much air out of the bag as possible.

Put this bag into the 2nd sandwich-size ziplock and seal it up.

Then, take the entire operation outside. This part gets a little messy!

Put the 4 c. of ice and 1/4 c. rock salt in the gallon-size ziplock.

Add your double-bagged ice cream mixture and seal it up.

And now it's time for aerobics. Put on Jane Fonda, dig out some lycra and leg warmers and go for it. For five minutes the bags must be shaken, squeezed, massaged and agitated. Hands will get very, very cold - you may want to pull out some mittens for this part.

Your budding ice cream makers may want to dance with their bags. Or do cheerleading routines.

They may decide to kick a soccer ball around . . .

Or do some soccer drills. Whatever you do, just keep shaking your bootie, er . . . the bag.

When the ice cream stiffens up, pull the small bag out of the larger bag. Quickly remove the inside bag holding the ice cream, being careful not to get salty water on it.

I wasn’t smart enough to double bag the mixture when we did this so we had to rinse off the bags outside. This made it melt a bit.

Please note the one child up there, operating the hose, who is wearing his socks in the puddle of salty water. Because my laundry pile is so trivial and small he was actually doing me a favor by adding to it.

Dump the ice cream into a bowl or you can eat right out of the bag and save yourself some dirty dishes!

Add some toppings and suddenly . . . . it’s quiet in the house. No sound but the clinking of spoons against the bowl.

This ice cream doesn’t get hard - it’s more of a really thick milkshake consistency. Which is also delish!

I think using chocolate milk might work, too. You know the chocolate milk they sell at Costco? The kind that’s part cream and has a bazillion grams of fat per serving? That would be perfect. This would also be a fun activity for a kid’s birthday party.

So, let the ice cream-making begin! And have a fabulous Labor Day weekend!

Love,

Karenpie

Catching Up: Birthdays Part 1

2011-08-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

You know, I would love to share with you about this week and all of the preparations for today, the first day of school. I would tell you about shopping at Walmart and how - miracles of miracles - I did NOT intimidate any nice, old ladies this year.

I would share about shopping for 4 children instead of 3 and I don't care what anyone says, a fifteen-year-old boy still qualifies as a child in my house.

I would share - with great humor and hardly any cussing - about our school's Orientation Day which happened last Monday. This is the day my kids and I - along with 917,384 other students, parents and siblings - all show up at school at the same time.

We bring our school supplies. We find our new classrooms and desks. We practice opening the combination lock on the locker 847 times. We meet our new teachers and new classmates. We see old friends and goof around with them instead of paying attention to the teachers, who are trying like crazy to help everyone understand the confusion of schedule changes and rotating classrooms.

We see tons of people and:

1. Lament the end of summer (parents and kids)

2. Lament the start of school (kids)

3. Lament the eminent arrival of homework (parents - the kids haven't thought that far ahead)

It's a great way to start out the school year - to figure out the basics like where your desk is and how to organize it BEFORE the first day of school.

It's also crowded, loud, busy, chaotic and stressful.

Stressful because I want to help all the kids but alas, I can't help the 10th-grader figure out his locker combination AND help the 6th-grader/new middle-schooler figure out where all of his classes are. I can't help the 3rd-grader put her supplies away in her desk AND help the 5th-grader do the same.

I end up going from classroom to classroom, trying to do little bits at a time. Fortunately, Daniel and Katie are completely self-sufficient and don't need my help at all. In fact, Katie is so independent and organized, she'll probably be running the classroom by the end of September. No joke.

By the time we're finished, 31/2 hours later, my brain has exploded, I'm squinting at people and I've developed a tic in my left eyelid that makes me look like I'm winking at everyone. Worst of all - my hair is flat.

So I invented vodka slushies. I'm pretty sure there's a market.

Anyway, I'd love to share all of this - especially the pictures of the kids in their first-day-of-school finery but guess what? I lost my card-reader AGAIN. I should buy stock in that company. Dang it.

So, being the flexible, easy-going, go-with-the-flow kinda gal I am *snort*, we'll work with what we've got which is - pictures from this summer! Let's start with last June, shall we? I believe I promised you birthdays at some point. And we all know you've been waiting, wondering and sobbing uncontrollably over the lack of information. Here we go . . .

Matthew celebrated his birthday with - shocker - a Lego party! He invited . . .

. . . several other goofballs/lego lovers . . .

. . . and they went crazy.

We were at Luke’s Lego-cy Carnival for the evening. It’s a Leukemia Foundation fundraiser and is held in honor of a local boy who lost his fight with leukemia a year ago. It was a fabulously successful, joy-filled event.

Aaaaaaand . . . . I posted this picture because lately, it’s typical of my photography skills. Please note:

1. Five boys, only 2 of which are smiling and posing for the camera

2. Matthew, who isn’t paying attention

3. Half of a boy on the left.

4. A complete stranger, whose rather large back is in the picture and is almost obscuring the birthday boy plus the other 3 boys.

Can anyone say “Pulitzer Prize”?

So, my first-born turned 12. My sweet, no-longer-little, baby boy is closing in on being a teenager. I am so proud of him. He’s a thoughtful, funny, sweet-natured young man. And he still likes cuddling with me.

I think I’ll keep him.

Next up - birthday #2. Stay tuned.

Someday . . . .

2011-08-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

Someday, in the year 2023, my kids will look over this blog thingie and ask me,

"Hey Mom, did we do anything the summer of 2011? You didn't write anything. Were we - gasp! - boring?"

And I will tell them;

"Kids, our family is never boring - don't you worry your pretty little heads about that (I'm sure those are the exact words I'll use). We had a lot of fun the summer of 2011 - trips to the beach, a vacation in Montana and Yellowstone, parties in our backyard, Wii night - the usual whirlwind of summer activities. Go get the CF card out of my camera and download the pictures. They're probably still on there."

Because I'm all about making my kids self-sufficient and teaching them to find their own answers. And their own shoes. Twelve years from now I'm positive they'll know how to download pictures from a CF card. We can only hope they'll be able to find their own shoes.

I'm not holding my breath.

How many pairs of cleats do two boys need, anyway? Just curious.

So anyway, back to me.

We've been extraordinarily busy this summer - I think the busiest summer since we've had kids. Yes, it's been busy - but fun! - which I will share with you over the next few days because my OCD demands that I keep up with things.

(You didn't really think I'd leave a memory card in my camera for 12 years did you? Think about it - look at the above shoe picture and ask yourself, could the person who asks their children to put their shoes away like this, leave out 3 months of activity from her family's virtual scrapbook?)

I think not. Unfortunately my OCD isn't bad enough to make me blog regularly. Which brings me to a question; can I take meds to make it stronger? Seriously, if I'm going to claim I'm OCD, I SHOULD GIVE IT 100%.

So anyway, back to me. Oh right- we were already there. Okay, in the very near future I'll tell you about the birthdays, surprises, trips, visitors and the usual Karenpie dorkiness but first I have to tell you about the recent addition to our family.

Meet Marius Jäger, our exchange student from Germany!

Marius, or Mars as he likes to be called, arrived last Saturday and will live with us for the school year. He's 15 and will attend the same school as our kids. Mars loves cookies, shopping, dogs and soccer. He loves Hollister and Abercrombie and Tommy Hilfiger. Fortunately he has his own spending money because HOLY SCHNIKES we went shopping today and for a mere $120 and change he got 4 things.

FOUR THINGS.

It was a real eye-opener for me. So far, my kids don't have a choice. They like Nike, Walmart and whatever hand-me-downs they get from the Bonners.

So . . . instant teenager in the house. Instant need for hair products, name-brand clothing and an endless supply of cookies.

We're just getting started and it's going to be a BLAST!

But you can pray for me anyway.

A Poem for You

2011-07-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Today I was going to do a yummy Fat Friday recipe that I got from Patti but I decided to go to the beach instead.

The End.

Two of these things are not like the other . . .

2011-07-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

Got a little quiz for you.

I'm going to show you a picture of five children. Three of them are mine and two have been visiting for the last week. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to pick the two that don't belong to me.

Ready? Here's the picture -

I know it's tough but think hard. Which two do not share my gene pool?

If you guessed the two boys with flags on their shirts you'd be RIGHT. Let me introduce you to a couple of sweeties - Hao Jun Ye and Pei Yu Chen! They're part of a short-term exchange group and have been with us since last Saturday.

These two sweet boys chose American names for themselves - Charlie and Jack - which completely saved my life because they've been with us for 7 days and I still can't pronounce their Chinese names.

I asked them to give me a Chinese name and they began whispering and laughing with each other. I suggested a Chinese word that meant "Goddess of everything good and beautiful" but they didn't take the hint. They're still trying to figure it out. I'll probably end up with a name that means "bonehead" in Chinese and I'll be the only one who doesn't know it. I will very confidently approach Asian people and tell them:

嗨！我的名字是笨蛋！这是非常高兴见到你。
(Hi! My name is Bonehead! It's very nice to meet you."
We've had an interesting time trying to communicate. Their English is very poor and my Chinese is nonexistent. It's been especially hard at mealtimes. They aren't very impressed with American food.
I tried to impress upon them that I'm a very influential, famous food blogger and they were doing serious damage to my self-confidence with their refusal to eat the food I cooked.
I take that back. Charlie, the taller of the two boys, eats the food - actually cleans his plate! - while I look on approvingly. When I smile and ask, "You like it?", expecting him to ask for seconds, he shakes his head "no".
Jack, the little one, picks at the food and pushes it around his plate. About the only thing he likes are chocolate chip Eggos.It's a real blow to my ego, I tell you.
However, there is something they understand very well . .

. . . they speak the universal language of Nerf,

and Slip 'N Slides,

and fireworks!

We examined the possibility that we'd be sitting around staring at each other in silence for 10 days.

Fortunately for all of us, the language barrier came down quickly.

Nerf and Slip 'N Slides - the new ambassadors for America.

They leave on Monday and we'll be sad to see them go.

What a couple of sweeties.

Fat Friday: Oreo-Brownie-Chocolate Chip Bars

2011-06-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

There is only one word that can adequately describe these bars:

Insane.

When I first saw them here at Kevin and Amanda's, my first thought was, "Oh my sweet Lord are those real?" Because . . . GENIUS. Chocolate chip cookies PLUS Oreos PLUS brownies?

Genius.

My kids have been begging me to make them for weeks and since I'm never one to say no to my kids (ahem), here they are in all their glory.

Here's whatcha need:

Your favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe - a full batch

1 package of Double Stuf Oreos

1 brownie mix (or your own homemade brownies) for a 9x13 pan

My favorite chocolate chip cookies are called "Neiman Marcus Cookies". Remember the old urban legend that was all the rage back in the '80's? If you weren't around in the '80's then google it. It also goes by other, famous department store names but the basic story is the same;

A woman eats at the famous department store's tearoom or cafe and gets a cookie for dessert. She's so impressed by the cookie she requests the recipe and is informed by her server that it will cost her two-fifty. The woman thinks "No problemo" until she gets her credit card bill and there's a charge, not for $2.50, as she assumed, but for $250.00 for the recipe. She complains to the store and gets no satisfaction so she proceeds to exact her revenge by giving the recipe out to anyone who wants it.

Isn't it a great story? Too bad it's an urban legend and isn't true. But either way, I got the recipe for free and it's my all time favorite! It uses half flour and half ground up oatmeal. It gives the cookie extra chewiness and structure. Plus it's healthy.

Because that's what impresses me in a cookie - healthiness.

Here's the printable recipe for my chocolate chip cookies AND I have tips for you!

Tip #1:

The recipe calls for 2-1/2 c. of blended oatmeal. I take this to mean 2-1/2 c of measured oatmeal, blended into a fine powder, NOT oatmeal blended up until you get 2-1/2 c. There's a difference in volume.

Here's what it looks like after it's time in the blender. It's like flour with just a few small oatmeal chunks. Perfect.

Tip #2:

My recipe calls for creaming the butter and sugars. The above picture is not what you want.

This is what you want. You'll get a better cookie if the butter and sugar are creamed long enough. I promise.

After you make your chocolate chip cookie dough, put it in a 9x13 pan. I lined mine with greased parchment paper and I was not sorry. When they were done baking and cooling I lifted the entire thing out of the pan.

Beauty.

Next you need these - almost the entire package. I say almost because my helper . . .

. . . who got braces this week, needed a cookie to make her feel better. The braces make her teeth hurt and we all know and appreciate the medicinal value of Oreos.

Place the Oreos on top of the raw cookie dough, pressing them down lightly.

Mix up your brownie mix and spread it over the Oreos. Bake 45-55 minutes at 350F. In my oven I let it go the full 55 minutes and I should have taken them out around 47 - 50 minutes. They got a bit dry.

Also, it seemed like there wasn't enough brownie batter - it was pretty thin over the Oreos and I hoped the brownie part would puff up more.

Alas, the brownie layer - my favorite part - remained thin. They still tasted amazing but I'd like to tweak it a bit. Maybe put the brownie layer on the bottom of the pan next time. I'm not sure about doubling the brownie recipe - the pan was pretty darn full by the end of baking!

Click here for printable.

You should probably go make these immediately and then weigh in with your opinion. I mean it - go do it now. Your family will thank you by worshipping at your feet. They may even erect a statue in your honor.

Because these bars are INSANE.

I'm not even sure they're legal.

I've got this

2011-06-23T13:36:00.001-07:00

Let me see if I can remember this . . . .

Log on to Karenpie - check.

Look at picture of Lego cookies - check.

Get depressed because I'm ~~a week~~, ~~2 weeks~~, 3 weeks behind - check.

Go to Facebook and play Zuma Blitz instead of blogging - check. (I'm sure there's a name for that particular Freudian defense mechanism. Unless you just want to call it basic laziness and lack of self control.)

Get a glass of wine whenever blogging comes to mind - check.

When I started this blog 2 years ago, I had ~~so much drivel floating around in my brain~~ so many witty and interesting things to say I sometimes blogged 4 times a week. I was in the zone, man. Of course I also expected to be immediately famous and we all know how that worked out. It's probably for the best. I mean, I don't have time to hang out with the Today Show peeps, showing Matt Lauer and Ann Curry how to make Lego cookies. It won't fit into my schedule. Which brings me to . . . my schedule.

I tend to be one of those ~~wackos~~ people who look forward all the time and not in a good way. Instead of enjoying what's in front of me, I'm busy crossing things off lists and planning my next 6 moves thinking, "As soon as ___ is over, I can take a deep breath and relax."

The problem is, all my fill-in-the-blanks overlap. I begin new things while I'm finishing other things. There's no margin. Except when I play Zuma Blitz.

OK forget I said anything about Zuma Blitz. Now I just look like a slacker.

Back to blogging and all slacking aside, one of the things that drew me to blogging was the idea that it could be my family's scrapbook. Kind of. Posting pictures and writing about my family counts as scrap booking, right? Please say yes because when it comes to scrap booking, I'm up to Matthew at 6 months old. Talk about slacking . . .

So when I miss a couple ~~days~~ weeks of blogging it's like falling behind in scrap booking which is a continual source of guilt for me. Gah. Then, when the guilt gets to be too much and wine no longer works as a distraction, I go to work.

I'm so glad we've had this therapy session. I feel much better now.

Here's what's happened lately. And by lately I mean since the middle of May.

If I remember correctly, we were ramping up for the end of school.

You know, it's not as if the end of school comes as a surprise. It's right there on the calendar. It's been circled in red for 9 months and the kids have been counting it down for 3 weeks. So why do all the activities - parties, projects, programs, reports and field trips - make me crazy?

Because they blitz me all at once. Yup. Even you're drinking wine now. Here we go . . .

Spring programs -

The fifth-graders played chimes.

The fourth-graders played flutophones.

The second-graders sang and in between times, sat on the risers while their mothers prayed fervently that they didn't have holes in their underwear, which also made an appearance.

Next up we had teacher/staff appreciation week. We made monster cookies and when I say monster, I mean MONSTER. SIZED. COOKIES.

Sorry about the blur. In addition to neglecting the blog, I've also been neglecting my photography skills.

Anyway, this ginormous cookie is bigger than my hand. My ginormous man-hand. Hence the name "monster cookie". I'll show you how to make them someday.

We wrapped each cookie in plastic wrap and slipped them in paper sleeves. Because we're professionals.

I asked the kids to write on the paper sleeves, thinking they'd do something easy like just put the teacher's name on the outside. However, Daniel decided to customize his -

This one was for Mr. Riley, the computer teacher. Daniel wrote "Thank you for all you do Mr. Riley!" on the computer screen and on the keyboard spelled out "The Kogler" with Family underneath.

Here's another one -

This was for Mrs. Nelson, who works in the library. Daniel drew a book and spelled out, "You are awesome!"

I love that kid. His creativity amazes me.

Here's one of his projects, due the last week of school -

All 4th-graders picked a state and did a big report on it. The big finale to the report was a "State Fair". The kids did posters then picked some kind of food item to serve the people coming to the fair. Daniel chose Jello because - and all of us need to know this - Jello is the official snack food of Utah. Seriously.

Does your state have an official snack food? You might want to get on that.

Katie also had a final project - The Egg Drop. Her class was tasked with finding the best possible packaging to keep a raw egg from breaking . . . when it was dropped from the roof.

Katie wrapped hers in bubble wrap and put it in a tissue box. A tissue box painted in beautiful pink and purple stripes. Let's face it folks, it's not what you do that counts, it's how you look doing it.

Pay no attention to the flimsy design of the tissue box, instead look at how pretty it is midair!

So, did it work? Did beauty save the egg from disaster?

Sadly, Humpty Dumpty did not survive his great fall.

Next up - field trips.

Field Trip #1.

The 5th-graders went to a big gymnastics center. They had a blast - especially when they grabbed the rope swing, swung out and -

. . . landed in the foam pit!

Field Trip #2.

The 2nd-graders went to the zoo. Here's Katie with Mia and Ms. Einerson. It was a beautiful day because it was the only day that didn't rain the entire week!

Whew - dodged that one.

Field Day - held inside in the gym, hallways and classrooms because - you guessed it - it was pouring rain.

Next up - 5th-grade debates. Matthew's team was on the affirmative side of this issue:

"Cats Make Better Pets than Dogs"

What do you think? Of course they make easier pets, but does that make them better?

Discuss.

On to class parties. . . .

There was goofiness in the second grade,

even more goofiness in the 4th grade and . . .

just plain goofballs in the fifth grade.

And also -

Toby made his final Show and Tell appearance of the year in Daniel's classroom.

And now you know why I drink wine.

Next up - birthdays. Lots and lots of birthdays.

Fat Friday: Lego Cookies

2011-06-03T11:00:00.001-07:00

Do you know that someday, Legos will rule the world? Well, at least Lego-loving people will rule the world.

Believe it. Someday we'll all wake up and there will be a Lego fanatic in charge. He (or she) will make a law that we have to play Legos for at least an hour a day. He'll (or she'll) most likely make a national holiday too. It will be called "Lego Day" (creative huh?) and everyone will get a paid day off to play Legos. I can't predict for certain but this person will probably be around 12.

Lord help us.

As much as it pains me to admit, I'm ready for it. Heck, I've been ready for it for several years. Because if Legos have already taken over part of my house - why not the world?

Exhibit A. Our playroom. I vacuum it maybe twice a year. If I'm lucky.

It's not as if I haven't seen it coming. In our house, love of Legos started when Matthew was 5 and has only gathered momentum and popularity over the last 7 years. I see no end to it. Especially when I'm in the store, having been dragged to the Lego aisle by the boys, and notice grownups frothing at the mouth over new Lego sets.

Yes, grown ups. Grown up males, to be exact. It appears you don't grow out of loving Legos. Which - if I'm going to be honest with myself - is not a bad thing!

So, two weeks ago when my sweet, eldest, Lego-loving son turned 12, what better choice to celebrate than with Lego cookies? It was a no-brainer, baby. Here's how we did it!

I started out with some cookie dough.

Duh.

I am nothing if not a master at stating the obvious. (My heartfelt thanks to Bridget at Bake@350 for a fabulous cookie recipe! Her cookies are art. Plus they taste good. You should go check her out.)

Here's the recipe:

3 c. unbleached, all-purpose flour

2 t. baking powder

1 c. sugar

2 sticks salted butter, cold

1 egg

3/4 t. vanilla extract

1/2 t. almond extract

Combine the flour and baking powder and set aside. Cream the sugar and cold butter, occasionally scraping the mixing bowl. Add the egg and extracts and mix. Gradually add the flour mixture and beat just until combined, scraping down the bowl, especially the bottom.

The dough will be crumbly, so knead it together with your hands as you scoop it out of the bowl for rolling.

Roll the dough out onto a floured surface to about 1/4 inch thick.

I cut an index card into a 2" x 4" shape to make a Lego brick template. Then I laid a stick - formerly a pastry cloth holder - on the dough and used it as a straight edge. I used my pizza cutter to cut the long, straight lines.

Then I evened out the edges of the dough . . . .

. . . and, using the template again, cut the shapes.

About 30 seconds into it I thought, "Gee, a cookie cutter would be GREAT about now."

Did you know rectangular cookie cutters are not for sale? Anywhere?

Just an FYI.

See how thick the cookies are? This dough is FANTASTIC for keeping it's shape. They spread a bit but I think I was supposed to use parchment paper and I didn't. Because I'm a rebel. And also because I didn't have any.

Freeze the cut out shapes for 5 minutes then bake 10 -12 minutes at 350F.

Because mine spread a bit, I cut the edges while the cookies were still warm. It gave them a nice clean Lego brick edge.

I'm all about accuracy when I make Lego cookies, you know.

Then came the fun part - decorating the cookies. Of which I took no play-by-play pictures. You already knew I wasn't a real food blogger so there shouldn't be any surprises there.

For the first time in my life, I did the whole - outlining and flooding technique using royal icing. I've been intrigued by this kind of frosting for a long time but I gotta tell you - it's intimidating. Mostly because the cookies come out looking so professional and perfect. And I'm more of a let's-eat-the-cookies kind of gal instead of a let's-admire-the-cookies kind of gal.

However, this was really fun AND easy AND the frosting tasted good and didn't crack our teeth. Bonus! Intact teeth! I got the frosting recipe from Amanda on Tasty Kitchen. Amanda also has a blog about baking and she makes the most beautiful cakes and cookies - again, ART. Check her out, people.

Anyway, back to the Lego cookies - I had a helper . . .

This helper was in charge of the M&M's. Although it looks like she's eating them . . . . HEY WAIT A MINUTE . . .

Helper-girl was supposed to be dividing out the red and yellow M&M's. We settled on red and yellow cookies and needed the matching color, you know.

FACT: did you know the round, raised dots on Lego bricks are called studs?

This is the only stud I'm familiar with but if Lego wants to appropriate the word, so be it.

(Hey I'm married to him!)

Back to the cookies.

Here's the frosting recipe:

2 c. powdered sugar

2 T. milk

2 T. light corn syrup

When you mix it up, go easy on the milk - just a drop at a time until you get the consistency you want. When I outlined the cookies, as you can see up there in red, I wanted the frosting to be really thick. Once they were all outlined, I diluted the rest of the frosting to make it almost pourable. It needs to be thin enough that it can "flood" the area inside the outline, but thick enough to cover the cookie.

Make sense?

This frosting was enough for 13 Lego brick cookies.

When you flood the cookie, little air pockets will rise to the surface. Katie was standing by with a toothpick to pop them.

Then she put on the Lego studs. We started out putting them on the frosting right away, but the M&M's sank in the wet frosting. It looks better if you let the frosting set up before you put the studs on.

I suppose you could even let the frosting dry completely, then use more frosting to "glue" on the studs. Being the highly trained cookie expert that I am, I elected to go for the former because a) I needed to finish this project and b) I knew the 5th-graders eating them could care less if their Lego cookie studs were slightly sunken into the frosting.

It's my reality, man.

I let the cookies dry on the counter overnight, then sent them to school the next day.

Lego brick cookies.

Someday they'll be a required part of every citizens diet.

And I'll be ready.

Fat Friday: Garlic-Roasted Sweet Potatoes

2011-05-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but any recipe with the word "garlic" in it has me doing a double-take. I don't particularly care for smelling like garlic for the next 3 days after mincing it, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice just to get that goodness in my mouth.

I think I found this recipe in a Martha Stewart magazine. It was a pre-felony publication, when I was a particularly obnoxious Martha wannabe - never missed her daytime show, had an annual subscription to her magazine and was forever trying out her recipes. She was my heroine but let's face it - if cold cereal wasn't a dinnertime option in her house, we'd never be full-on buds.

And here's another shocker - many of Martha's recipes were not doable for a mother with 3 kids all under the age of 4 and in diapers. It sounds crazy but I just didn't have time to temper chocolate and make homemade ravioli. I was too busy changing diapers and making elaborate Thomas the Tank Engine train track configurations.

So imagine my relief when this recipe caught my eye and I realized how utterly easy it was! Six ingredients with a prep time of 10 minutes. Plus, it was just odd enough that I. WAS. IN. Odd in that I'm not a particular fan of sweet potatoes - those overly mashed, sticky-with-marshmallows-and-syrup things that are popular at Thanksgiving. These were different - garlicky and savory and roasted.

Let's try them, shall we?

Peel the sweet potatoes and slice off the ends. I look for sweet potatoes that are fairly even in circumference. Duane and I can eat two, with leftovers.

No, now that you ask, my kids don't eat them. Stinkers.

Cut them into 1-1/2-inch rounds.

In a very large bowl, put olive oil, salt, dried thyme, red pepper flakes and minced garlic. I like to use my microplane grater for the garlic. It minces it so finely it's almost a paste, making it easier to whisk it into the oil.

Once that's mixed thoroughly . . .

Dump the sweet potato rounds into the oil mixture. Use your claw-like, alien man-hands to toss and thoroughly coat each round.

Spread them on a cookie sheet. I use a silicone liner but if you don't have one, line your cookie sheet with foil.

Bake 35- 40 minutes at 400F. I start testing for doneness around 30 minutes by poking them with a fork. We like them soft but not mushy.

(Click here for printable recipe.)

These make a fabulous side for Thanksgiving turkey or roast pork. Plus, they're just so dang pretty!

Martha, thank you for lowering the bar for me. You done good, sister.

Freak Show

2011-05-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

You want strange? You want freaky? You want to say, "Oooooh. Weird." to yourself?

You've come to the right place.

A couple of posts ago I shared my gardening expertise with you - how to garden correctly and the best tools to use. I know, I'm an educator. What I neglected to teach you was the importance of wearing long sleeves no matter what the season.

Because this could happen -

I have around 70 insect bites. They're mostly on my forearms with a couple on my legs. I didn't see the bugs, didn't feel them bite me and I am now on day 18 of being itchy and miserable. I'm on a prescription antihistamine that makes me sleepy and a steroid ointment for the bites.

I look like a freak and the whole family is constantly saying, "Don't scratch! Mom you're scratching!" To which I respond -

"I KNOW I'm scratching. I MEAN to do it. I WANT TO SCRATCH." If I get scars I know I'll regret it but I just don't care at this point.

The older I get, the more I react to insect bites. A split-second mosquito bite - I can watch it land and kill it immediately - will swell up and bother me with weeks of itching. In the back of my mind I wonder if this is a progressively worsening allergy of some kind. Like, one day I'll get a bite and go into anaphylactic shock.

My family will end up on 20/20 saying things like (sobbing), "We BEGGED her not to scratch."

I just wish I knew what kind of bug it was so I could ~~spray the living crud out of my yard with gallons of poison~~ watch for it.

In the meantime I'll wear long sleeves and drink plenty of Mike's - a known cure for gardening ailments.

Here's another thing -

This is the area outside our back door. Can you see the freshly turned dirt around the plants? I didn't do it. I rarely turn dirt if I can get someone else Duane to do it for me. Actually, the only time I dig in the dirt is when I'm burying our cat's various dead animal trophies with which she regularly showers us.

Anyway, for a couple of days, we noticed the cats just sitting on the concrete, staring at the dirt. We thought it was funny,

"Look at Krissy staring at the ground! What a dorky cat."

Then Duane noticed the fresh dirt - which I didn't care about until I realized something was loosening the soil from underground and the animal doing it was moving toward . . .

. . . the dahlias. They're the small green plants coming up along the foundation of the house.

I started getting worried. I LOVE my dahlias! They are the source of many, many summertime bouquets in our house and they provide so much vibrant color to our yard. If this mole or gopher or whatever ate my dahlias it was going to be WAR.

Fortunately, there was an immediate end to hostilities. We woke up the next morning to this on our back porch . . .

Hello Mr. Dead Mole. I'm so glad you're dead and not eating my plant's roots anymore.

Look at those lethal-looking paws. He's actually kind of cute. Except for the whole dead thing.

Krissy, our fantastic hunter, caught this mole in the middle of the night. And very thoughtfully left it on the porch for us to see. Kitty Krissy got so many pets and treats that day - she's my hero. I don't laugh at her anymore. If Krissy is sitting still watching something, you better believe I pay attention.

Kitty Toby on the other hand, wouldn't know what to do with an animal if it laid down at his feet and said, "Please kill me and use me as a trophy to impress your people".

No, Toby is much better at being a celebrity.

Instead of doing something as crass as killing a varmint, Toby attended Show & Tell. Of course he'll do anything for the kitty treats Katie is holding in her hand.

He's also a veteran. This was his 10th Show & Tell.

"Bring me those kitty treats on a silver platter and make it snappy."

This ends another broadcast of Kogler's Wild Animal Kingdom.

Fat Friday: Yankee Corn Cake

2011-05-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

OK, I know there are squillions of corn bread recipes out there. Everybody has favorites. But I'm going to tell you straight up - this is the best cornbread I've ever had.

Apparently there are two types of cornbread - Northern and Southern. Correct me if I'm wrong but I've done extensive research and have consulted many experts at the National Cornbread Institute - ok that's not really true but you should trust me anyway.

Southern cornbread is heavier, denser, uses more cornmeal than flour (or equal amounts) and is better for soaking up things like BBQ juices or maple syrup.

Northern cornbread is lighter and fluffier - it's more tender and sweet with a cake-like consistency.

Can you guess which one I like best? Yes, northern it is.

Many years ago I happened upon a recipe for BBQ pulled pork sandwiches. It was in a magazine and looked amazingly yummy and different because the pork was piled up on pieces of cornbread. You had to eat it with a knife and fork.

As often happens when I'm hungry and at the same time looking through food magazines, I began drooling and planning to make EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE MAGAZINE. You already knew I had a problem with self control. Be quiet. You love me anyway.

So I made the sandwiches. Result? BBQ pork - mediocre. Cornbread - AWESOME. I had found the perfect cornbread without even trying! See usually I go on the equivalent of a knight's quest when I try for the perfect whatever. This one dropped on me like manna from heaven.

Yes folks, today's cornbread is my gift to you and I have a helper ready to . . . uh . . help me.

Hi Daniel! Want to help me make some cornbread? You are the perfect child for this task because you LOVE cornbread. You can eat your BODY WEIGHT in cornbread. Besides, it's time you started earning your keep around here. Making cornbread will be a good start.

Kids these days. Do we REALLY want to know what's going on in their heads?

Start by measuring out a cup of buttermilk. Here's a tip - if you don't have buttermilk, put a tablespoon of vinegar or lemon juice in a measuring cup. Then add enough whole milk to equal 1 cup. Let it stand for a few minutes then stir.

I used to do this frequently because I'd have a spontaneous desire to make cornbread or biscuits - but had no buttermilk. This substitute is OK but personally, I think you get a better product if you use buttermilk. That being my expert opinion and all.

Any day now, America's Test Kitchen is going to call me and ask my opinion about something and I'LL BE READY, MAN.

Slice up a stick of softened butter and drop it into the buttermilk. Microwave until most of the butter is melted. If there are still some small chunks of butter, that's OK because they will eventually melt in the warm milk. You don't want it to get too hot - it will have to cool a bit before you add 1 egg.

Break one egg into a bowl . . .

. . . and scramble it up. This is a favored Kitchen Helper job - breaking eggs. Separating eggs, well, that's on the horizon. The very distant and far-away horizon.

Add the beaten egg to the buttermilk and stir it up.

While the milk/butter is warming and/or cooling, mix up the dry ingredients in a medium mixing bowl. You'll need:

1 c. flour

2/3 c. cornmeal

1/4 c. sugar

1/2 t. salt

1/2 t. baking soda

1/2 t. baking powder

Whisk it all together to break up any chunks of baking soda because biting into a yummy piece of corn bread and encountering an undissolved chunk of baking soda is just GROSS.

I speak from personal experience.

At this point you can add stuff in. Duane and I love chopped chilies, jalapenos and corn in the cornbread but the kids don't like it. Losers. You can also lightly saute some chopped onion or chopped bell peppers (red or green) and add that to the batter. It would taste good and add some great color to the corn bread.

Add these things to the dry ingredients and toss to combine. I prefer to add them at this step because they don't all sink to the bottom of the bread while baking. My expert opinion again.

Add the wet ingredients to the dry and combine.

Pour the batter into a greased, 8x8 glass pan.

Bake 30 -35 minutes at 350F.

It should be golden brown around the edges and a tester should come out clean.

My little Master of the Universe prefers his cornbread drenched in honey. Duane taught all the kids to drizzle it on and let it soak in until it's at perfect eating capacity. We are cornbread eating experts in this house.

Enjoy!

(Click here for printable.)

Gardening 101, the Karenpie Way

2011-05-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

Last weekend something amazing happened -

Spring came! For ONE WHOLE DAY. Here, I have proof -

See that? The dark thing in the shape of a puffy, blobby human is called a "shadow". It's very rare in our part of the country because something extraordinary must occur - sunshine.

Fortunately for us, the sun was out all afternoon on Sunday and we definitely took advantage of it! I had some outdoor projects that needed my attention.

Things like transplanting my geraniums from the old, beat up terra cotta planters into darker, non-beat up, new ones and -

- getting garden boxes ready for seeds. Mother's Day weekend is the big weekend for planting in these here parts.

Before this important work can occur, you need tools. I like to gather everything together and dump it in one place before I start:

These are the tools we trained professionals use.

And let's not forget the wasp spray. The wasps were out in droves and - gasp! - dared begin building a nest in the basketball goal. Suckers. Don't they know who they're dealing with? Besides, Daniel has a deep-seated fear of bees and wasps so . . . Matthew to the rescue!

When I was pruning the fruit trees -or, as I like to call it, "randomly chopping a bunch of branches and limbs and hope to heaven you still get fruit come summer" - I was super thirsty and begged one of my nearby kids to grab something for me out of the fridge in the garage.

"What do you want, Mom?"

"Anything. I'll take whatever you bring me."

This is what they brought me -

"But Mom, it says "lemonade" on it."

I did tell them I'd drink whatever they brought me.

I had never before discovered the joys of gardening with a slight buzz on. Make no mistake about it, yard work suddenly got a lot more fun.

Fat Friday: Cheeseburger Soup

2011-04-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

Coming up for air in 5 -- 4 -- 3 -- 2 -- 1 --

Hi guys!

Boy, the last few weeks have been a blur. A blur of fever, headache and the worst fatigue that's ever hit me. And that includes the fatigue you feel when you have babies and get about 5 minutes of sleep for the first 3 months of their lives.

Yesterday was the best I've felt in close to 3 weeks and all I can say is - I'm so thankful my kids didn't get it. There's nothing worse than having sick kids when you, yourself are sick. It's unbearable. Here's what I learned during this time:

My kids can get themselves up, get dressed, make their own breakfast, fix lunch boxes and go to school without my help. Actually, without me even waking up. I woke up one morning at 8:24 am, which is a half hour after they usually leave for school. I wasn't worried about them getting to school - I carpool with the Harmons - but I was concerned about other details. Were they in clean clothes? Did they have lunch? Did they remember their homework? Did they brush their teeth?

In great humiliation I called the school to ask;

1. Are my kids there?

2. Are they in their uniforms?

3. Do they have lunch taken care of?

4. Are they OK?

Fortunately, everything was fine and I learned two important lessons;

1. They don't need me anymore - waaaaaahhhh! - sniff, sniff.

2. They don't need me anymore! We've raised independent, responsible, well-adjusted kids who can easily adapt when their mom is out of commission.

So now I sleep in til 10am every day and get up in time to watch Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network. SWEEEEEEEEEEET.

I just had to share that with you before we get to cooking today. Because there's another reason I can brag on my kids -

They can cook!

I will prove it to you. Katie is going to be our Fat Friday guest chef today. Can I hear a big "Woo Hoo!"? Here we go . . .

Here is my darling girl, grating cheese and participating in what we call "Kitchen Helper Night".

I got the idea from my friend, Becky, who has 10 children. Our kids go to school together and I am always picking her brain. I'm terribly interested in the logistics of managing a family of that size. For instance, how many meat loaves does it take to feed 12 people, 4 of whom are teenagers? How many loads of laundry do you do daily? How do you stay on top of homework? These are just a few of the many questions I've asked. Now that I think about it, Becky wears dark glasses and looks the other way when she sees me coming. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, Kitchen Helper is Becky's idea. It sounded amazing so I stole it. That's how I roll, man.

Here's the scoop! I began our Kitchen Helper project by typing a list of every single thing I've ever cooked. Entrees on one side of the paper, side dishes on the other.

Each weekend, the kids sit down with this list and pick a meal. They choose an entree and 2 side dishes. The only rule I have is they have to pick something green - a veggie or salad. Other than that, the meal is up to them. On their chosen night, they prepare the meal, with my help.

Can I just be honest here? It drove me crazy.

Our very first time, Matthew chose his first ever meal to cook - chicken pot pie. My chicken pot pie is awesome. It's tasty and we love it. It's also high maintenance with all the chopping of veggies and defrosting of meat and . . . . it took us THREE HOURS to make it.

Gah.

Halfway through, poor Matthew was sick of it. He said, "I hate pot pie. WHY DID I PICK THIS?" I had to talk him down off the ledge and then later, as we sat around the table, oohing and ahhing over the fabulous meal and praising his efforts, he calmed down.

The next night it was Daniel's turn. He picked hamburgers. It took us 15 minutes, start to finish. Live and learn, man.

We've been doing Kitchen Helper for a couple of months now and . . . can I be honest here? . . . . IT'S A BLAST!

When we're cooking, we're talking about the meal. We talk about balanced meals, healthy choices, reading labels and safe food handling. We're learning how to read recipe cards and the difference between measuring spoons. We've learned the difference between liquid and dry measuring cups and how to use knives safely. There's a lot of math in cooking - fractions and calculating how to double recipes.

My kids are learning so much and I've never been such a proud mama! I want to raise kids - especially my boys - who won't be completely helpless in the kitchen. Right now, I can honestly say this is one of the most fun things I've ever done with them!

So, without further blah-blah-blahing, Katie the Kitchen Helper is going to show you how to make Cheeseburger Soup!

Start with 3 big carrots. Peel them . . .

. . . and grate them into a big stock pot.

While she was doing that, I was chopping up a big onion and 3 stalks of celery.

(I'm not that comfortable letting her loose with a sharp knife so I still do that part.)

Put all these chopped veggies in the stock pot along with a pound of ground turkey or hamburger. Cook them until the veggies are soft. After they're cooked, add 1 t. each of basil and parsley and let them cook a bit with the meat mixture.

Next, add 6 c. of broth - chicken, vegetable - whatever is in your pantry and . . .

. . . 8 c. cubed potatoes. I suppose you could use frozen hash browns or shredded potatoes too. Do whatever is easiest! My kitchen helper needed me to do this for her.

Bring to a boil then simmer 10 minutes until potatoes are cooked. While they are simmering, make a roux with . . .

6 T. melted butter and 1/2 c. flour.

Stir the roux constantly over medium heat until bubbly.

Then stir into the stockpot.

While the soup is simmering, you can also get some cheese grated. You'll need 2 -3 cups. I used Colby Jack but the original recipe called for Velveeta. I have a confession - I love Velveeta but I don't think it's a real food. It's chemicals that are food-colored. Just my opinion, man.

So I don't use it anymore.

Grate some extra cheese in case the Kitchen Helper needs to do quality-control sampling.

Sprinkle the cheese into the pot and and stir til melted. Make sure you don't boil it at this point. Cheese doesn't like super high heat or it will "break". Meaning it's oils will separate from the solids and you'll have a disgusting oily layer on top of your soup. Ask me if that's ever happened to me.

Really. Ask me.

Stir in 3 c. milk and season with salt and pepper.

(Click here for printable.)

This is a thick satisfying soup and went perfectly with the rest of the meal which was: strawberries, jello, cucumbers and homemade bread.

I love my Kitchen Helpers. If I plan it right, there'll be a guest food blogger every week!

Bring it on.

A Quiz. . .

2011-04-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm in the mood to be helpful today. To provide some therapy, should you need it.

Just call me a public servant.

I mean, some of us don't know we have a problem until a bigger problem arises. Like when you're in a crabby mood and you may need a nap but the bigger problem is you need an IV infusion of chocolate.

In order to help you solve your problems today, I'm going to ask a series of hypothetical questions, designed to enlighten you. I mean me. I mean, OF COURSE YOU. Because I don't have problems. No sirree, not me. Nope. Perfectly perfect and normal out here in Karenpie Land.

Here are the questions:

1. Are you overly dependent on your computer? If you're honest you'll answer yes.

2. If you suddenly did not have a computer, would your life come to a screeching halt?

3. If your life didn't come to a screeching halt, would you at least get more laundry done?

4. How long do you think it would take for your high score at Bejeweled to be completely obliterated if you couldn't play computer games? It's just a question.

5. Do you think your computer is necessary during these final 2 weeks of tax season?

6. Should your hard drive on your beloved iMac decide to get completely pissed off and fry itself, how much data would you lose? And by data I mean pictures.

7. If your beloved Mac, which is completely pissed off, was unavailable to you, how long would you cry and suck your thumb in the fetal position?

8. Do you have a computer-savvy husband who believes in backing up your beloved iMac's hard drive on an external hard drive? Just because? Because I do. Have one of those husbands.

Six days without a computer. I'm typing this at the library, which isn't too bad. Me and the Mormon missionaries are hanging out, doing important things on the internet. Six days without a computer feels like six years. I'm running out of wine.

Which is something when you have a wine refrigerator that holds 150 bottles.

Fat Friday: Southwest Corn Dip

2011-04-01T12:42:00.000-07:00

Watcha doing this weekend? Anybody having basketball parties at their house? Because if you are, this is your lucky day!

This dip - this wonderful, tasty, amazing dip - will elevate you to rock star status if you serve it to your friends. And that is no exaggeration, people.

Southwest Corn Dip is the most requested recipe in my arsenal. I got it from my sister-in-law, Jennifer, around 11 years ago. Since that time I've changed it up a bit and put my own spin on it and it's amazing! It also makes a TON which is the perfect amount because you'll want leftovers for breakfast the next day.

Here's the recipe, along with some very helpful hints without which you simply cannot function.

Southwest Corn Dip

4- 15 oz cans corn, drained

4 oz. can chopped chilies, drained

4 oz. can chopped jalapenos, drained

15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 c. sour cream

1 bunch scallions, chopped

1 red bell pepper, diced

8 oz. bag finely shredded Mexican cheese blend

1/2 bunch cilantro, coarsely chopped

Drain corn, chilies, jalapenos and beans. Put them in a large bowl and tilt the bowl a bit onto its side while you're chopping the other veggies. Once they're added, drain the bowl of any more accumulated liquid. If you don't do this the dip will be watery - a total crime.

Stir in the sour cream and cheese. Add cilantro last.

Serve the dip with Fritos Scoops or Lime Tostitos. It's like the law or something.

(Click here for printable)

I didn't take pictures of the process - opening cans, chopping vegetables, mixing it all together - you know how to do all that. What I'll show you instead, is what happens to a family divided by Southwest Corn Dip. A family struggling when the Southwest Corn Dip provides too much temptation and they turn on each other.

It isn't pretty.

The End.

Cookbook Winner!

2011-03-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

Remember last week, when it was Karenpie's birthday and to celebrate, she unselfishly and generously gave you a chance to win a cookbook? That Karenpie, she may be a dork but she has excellent taste in presents!

Ah, Ina - my reluctant and unaware heroine. How I love you! I just know, in my heart of hearts that we would be full-on buds if we had the chance. As it is I'll have to worship you from afar, pretending to the BFF status and drooling over your cookbooks out here on the opposite coast.

Reading this, your most recent cookbook, is like having a conversation with you because I just know you're talking to me! Wait - that sounded a bit stalkerish. Dialing it down . . . . . way down . . .

Back to the winner - want to know which of you lucky readers got Barefoot Contessa's new book? Well, in order to make this contest completely ethical, we were very professional and used a random number generator. Since I'm so tech-nerdy I wrote the code myself. I'm cool like that - I can make cinnamon rolls and write code. The perfect woman. Anyway . . .

I'll show you the step-by-step process I used and I'll do this for 2 reasons:

1. So you'll be impressed

2. So you'll be impressed

Get ready to be impressed.

Software designer creates database.

Software designer's intern configures data to software designer's specifications.

Intern applies minimum and maximum number limits for random number generator.

Making random numbers in configurable intervals.

Making random numbers to fit a normal distribution.

Calculating using atmospheric noise/pseudo-random number algorithms.

Randomizing integer sequences.

Testing the random choice for randomness. And being super-professional, too.

And the winner is . . . . .

Congratulations Jenna! You're the big winner!

Go check out Jenna's blog - she's funny, she makes awesome food, she takes fabulous pictures and she sings! I mean, she's ME only cuter and nicer.

Boy that was stressful. Writing code and randomly generating winners is exhausting.

I need a cinnamon roll.

Fat Friday: Aloha Cake

2011-03-25T13:53:00.001-07:00

For the last 6 weeks, I've been involved in a Bible study called, "Apples of Gold". It's a light, fun study that gives young women in our church opportunities to connect and form mentoring relationships with older women.

We start our morning with a cooking demo, followed by the study. Then, while the other women are Bible studying, 3 other women and I put the finishing touches on lunch, which is served as the study is concluding.

It's a blast!

And just so you know, I'm not one of the older women. I'm not considered mature enough, even though I qualify on a strictly age-related basis.

I'm actually in charge of the cooking - either planning and demoing the menus for each of the 6 weeks or finding others to do it.

It's a blast! I already said that, didn't I? Anyway, it's a fantastic addition to your church's women's ministry, should you be interested.

Yesterday, we had a Hawaiian theme going and I was in charge of the dessert. I know - shocker, huh? I have a recipe for a wonderful cake that I got from Mom, before she went all crazy and started eating healthy. I don't know what to do with her, honestly I don't. It's like I don't know her anymore.

Back to my really interesting, important story; I grew up calling this cake Refrigerator Cake. But I changed that this week. See, as a super-famous, highly important and influential food blogger, I need to blog about recipes with more charming titles. Super-famous, highly important and influential food bloggers such as myself can take artistic license with things like that.

It's one of the things they taught us in Super-Famous Highly Important and Influential Food Blogging School.

Long story short, I changed the name of the cake to something that would evoke visions of islands and tropical breezes: Aloha Cake. I briefly considered calling it Maui Wowee but I think that's some kind of illegal substance. Oooh! I wonder how many hits Karenpie would get if that was the title of this post? Hmmm . . . .

Anyway - you in the mood for a taste of Hawaii? It's like summer in your mouth, man. Something we all need this time of year!

You'll need:

1 box yellow cake mix

3/4 c. oil

3 eggs

11 oz. can mandarin oranges, with juice

1/2 t. vanilla

That's for the cake. The frosting ingredients are: (and let me tell you, the frosting is what makes this cake so special so DON'T CHANGE IT UP OR OMIT IT. I can find you. Seriously.)

1 box, regular size (4-servings) instant coconut pudding

20 oz. can crushed pineapple, with juice

8 oz. carton Cool Whip

Mmmmm - coconut, pineapple and mandarin oranges. Yummy.

Put the cake mix, oranges, oil, eggs and vanilla in your mixer. Yes, the oranges are whole. They get mushed up just fine!

Mix it all together for a couple of minutes, scraping down the sides as needed.

See the orange flecks in the batter? That's what happens to the oranges in the mixer. They are going to make this cake really moist and flavorful.

Pour the batter in a greased 9x13 pan and bake 30-35 minutes at 350F or until a toothpick comes out clean. You can also bake this in a jelly-roll pan for 15 minutes at 350F.

Let it cool completely. Now for the frosting!

It's not necessary to use a mixer for this but I'm lazy.

Put the pudding and crushed pineapple with juice in a bowl and stir until it becomes thick. Fold in the carton of Cool Whip and top the cake. It makes a ton of topping so you'll probably need to, um, eat some of it. Or a lot of it. You owe it to yourself.

(Click here for printable)

Refrigerate the cake and serve cold. It's moist and bursting with tropical flavor!

And now - Maui Wowee, Maui Wowee, Maui Wowee.

(I just want to see what happens. I'll let you know if any stoners tune in to Karenpie for advice on cooking. See above comments about maturity.)

SO BIG!

2011-03-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Who's a big girl? Huh? Who's so big - who's the biggest girl EVER?

Somebody's two! Oh happy day!

This concludes my psychological breakdown. I will now proceed to write like a grownup who is writing to other grownups.

Don't get your hopes up.

Yup. Today is Karenpie's 2nd birthday! I can hardly believe it's been that long. Two whole years of blogging. And to thank you guys for going along on the ride with me . . . .

THERE WILL BE PRESENTS!

Well, just one present . . .

See this book? I'm giving it away!

It's killing me because I selfishly want to keep it. However, you guys need some sort of reward for putting up with my loony drivel and yammering on and on about myself for 2 years.

It's called positive reinforcement.

So . . . do you love Barefoot Contessa and by love I mean do you schedule your entire morning around Barefoot Contessa on Food Network? When I say love, I mean would you be a totally creepy-stalker-person if you lived anywhere near the Hamptons and Ina Garten?

Oh, um - heh, heh, - me either. I mean, who is THAT crazy?

Because if you love Ina Garten aka Barefoot Contessa, we have a lot in common (don't be scared). I haven't gotten to the crazy-stalker phase but I have to say, I admire Ina Garten above all other food celebrities in the universe. She seems to be exactly what she is on TV - sincere, friendly, approachable and delighted with her life, her husband, Jeffrey, and vocation. She's relaxed in the kitchen and she's a good teacher.

I want to be her friend. I want to invite her and Jeffrey to my house where they would sit with Duane and me on the new sectional and drink wine and eat canapes. Homemade of course. If I knew what canapes were.

We would have a light supper of Minestrone soup and homemade bread and salad. Then I would make a rustic apple tart with homemade cinnamon ice cream for dessert. We would laugh a lot (because I tend to do that when I drink wine) but mostly because I would be exceptionally witty and entertaining but in a classy way, not like my usual way. And I wouldn't do anything dumb like forget to put napkins on the table or talk about hot flashes or complain about 5th-grade homework.

By the end of the night I would have Ina's personal cell number and we would be Facebook friends. We'd probably spend the rest of our lives exchanging recipes. It would be dreamy. . . .

WAIT . . . wh - wha - what? Who? Where am I?

I love my fantasy life! I also love Ina Garten.

So . . . who wants to win her new book? There are only a couple of Nutella smudges on the pages from me, drooling over it. I consider that an added bonus and won't charge you extra for it.

Just leave a comment, telling me who YOUR favorite food celebrity is! And - just so you know - it's OK to say Karenpie. It'll probably increase your chances of winning. I have no problem with choosing favorites if you flatter me.

We'll have a winner by next week. Sometime. Not sure which day. Okay, sometime in the next month. Or by Easter. Make sure you leave your contact information in the comments, too.

I'll give you until next Tuesday then I'll close the comments and pick a winner!

Love you guys. Thanks for sticking around these last 2 years.

It's been a blast!

Fat Friday: Can't Leave Alone Bars

2011-03-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

Poor Fat Friday.

So neglected. So mistreated. So ignored.

Today I'm turning it around. I know, without a doubt, this recipe will get me on your good side. These bars are so good - rich and gooey and chocolatey and easy - I would sell one of my kids for them.

OK, not really. They would definitely sell ME for a pan of them.

I got the recipe from my friend, Becky, who brought them to a Boy Scout event and when I tasted them - oh my word when I tasted them! - the heavens opened, a ray of light shone down and a Voice said,

"Don't be a hog and eat all of them, for crying out loud."

Here's how you make them!

1 box of cake mix

2 eggs

1/3 c. vegetable oil

1-14 oz. can sweetened, condensed milk

1 c. chocolate chips

1/4 c. butter

About the cake mix - the original recipe called for a white cake mix. As you can see in the picture, I substituted chocolate. Like you're surprised.

I've also substituted other flavors of chips - peanut butter chips with a chocolate cake mix is a hit with the kids. Mint chips would be good too. The possibilities are endless!

Microwave the chocolate chips, condensed milk and butter in 1-minute increments, stirring after each one.

It helps if you have a kitchen helper who likes to stir.

Put the cake mix, oil and eggs in a mixing bowl and stir it up.

Take 2/3 of the dough and press it into a 9x13 pan. I pressed it up the sides a bit, too.

Because you're going to do this . . .

Pour that gooey, fudgy, chocolateyness on the dough. If you occasionally need to take a taste, I won't tell.

Scoop up pieces of the remaining dough and do this . . .

Oh look. Teeth marks.

It seems I have no problem ingesting raw eggs.

Once you're done sampling the dough and assuming you have enough left over for the recipe -

- drop it in clumps over the top of the gooey layer. Letting some of the gooeyness show through.

*TANGENT ALERT* I love the word gooey. It's a comfort word. It evokes images of warm, chocolatey bliss. It's associated with some of my best friends, the Carb Family.

Let your kitchen helper FINALLY lick her fingers.

Bake 20 -25 minutes at 350F.

Here's what they look like if you use a white cake mix. It's a bit easier to tell when they're done baking - they get golden brown across the top.

But the chocolate ones are my favorite.

Let them cool before cutting.

Eat.

Nominate me for a Nobel Prize. I think I would qualify in the literature category.

Plus that would move me along in my goal of being famous by . . . today.

(Click here for printable recipe!)

Magic

2011-03-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT?!

Everything's OK in the Karenpie household this week. The situation has been resolved! Isn't it amazing? Something that broke my heart for 6 weeks was fixed in 2 days. And all because I blogged about it. I know, I know - you guys were prayerfully interceding on my behalf and I'm so very thankful but here's another option . . . . .

I think this blog has magical powers.

Let's look at this logically. A seemingly impossible situation, unresolved conflict eating me alive, my insecurities running rampant, stress, lost sleep - all taken care of in a matter of days after I blogged.

See? You're rethinking the magic, aren't you?

Now - stay with me here - since this blog has magical powers, I'm going to use it. I've got another issue that needs attention so I'm going to tap into the bloggy magic.

As you know, we've been doing a tiny little project I call, "Redecorating The House" or, as Duane likes to call it, "Karen Needs to Get a Job so She can Pay For It". Let me show you some of the details of my very hip, very happening, very grown up family room . . . .

New clock from Home Goods. It rocks. It was also $200 cheaper than the one I saw in a catalog. Score!

New, round coffee table with 2 matching end tables (my apologies about the blur). I love the circular inlay and the grain of the wood. It fits perfectly inside our sectional.

Buffet behind the sectional. Black picture frames found on sale at Michael's.

Buffet lamps found at Ross, leopard lampshades at Fred Meyer. Duane pitched in and took the original shades off because - get this - they were permanent. He had to cut them off the lamp base. Thank goodness for a husband with a garage full of tools and the know-how to use them. Whoever heard of permanent lamp shades? Sheesh.

Found this at Hobby Lobby in Salina when we were home for Christmas. For those in the Northwest who have never heard of HL - it's Craft Warehouse on steroids. Oh my word do I love Hobby Lobby.

We also have pillows, throws, candles and I've had some pictures reframed.

But this is my favorite, found at World Market . . .

"Sometimes the heart should do things without the brain's permission"

I big puffy pink heart it!

I'll admit, I've been going a bit overboard. Frankly, I'm surprised Duane hasn't received any calls about unusual activity on the credit card. Anyway, it's time to access the magic, people. Here's what I need . . . .

I need to be famous by Friday.

Famous people have money to redecorate. I need to start redecorating my living room, therefore I need to be famous.

I'll give it a couple days before Oprah calls.

She Lives . . .

2011-03-11T09:27:00.001-08:00

Hey guess what?

I'm not dead.

When I looked back at my last post's date of February 3rd - 5 weeks ago - I almost, but not quite, succumbed to a tidal wave of guilt by eating an entire package of Thin Mints.

It feels like a year. So much has happened in the Karenpie household, I barely know where to start. Heck, I don't know if I can remember it all. To be totally honest, I don't want to remember it all but isn't that the way of it? It's the hard stuff that sticks in your head, polluting the good things.

It's crazy how the hard stuff silenced my blogging voice. I honestly couldn't muster up the energy to write. I felt like I was living my life in black and white. Anyway, without going into a lot of detail, here's a free-form analysis of Karenpie's past month and a half. As usual, you may need an adult beverage before carrying on.

1. Friendships are precious. They should be handled as such - even if you need to say hard things to each other. If you tell a friend something difficult, it doesn't mean the friendship is over, it means you're acting like a grownup. Cherishing and nurturing a friendship is worth it. Do you - seriously - have so many friendships that you can just delete one and it won't matter? Come on.

2. I don't care how many boxes of Thin Mints you eat, it still won't erase the hurt of a lost friendship.

3. Neither will tequila shots. But being silly with other friends after tequila shots sure takes the edge off. Until the next morning.

4. Fifth grade homework ain't for sissies.

5. I'm a sissy.

6. Whenever I feel like fifth-grade homework and lost friendships are too much to bear, I go look at my new family room. I instantly feel better. It's almost as good as Thin Mints.

Family room before.

Family room after.

7. You know what else feels better? Taking a quick trip to Napa Valley with your husband and drinking wine all weekend. It's especially fun if you do it with other wine-loving friends.

Lunch at Napa General Store. Which had a gift shop where I found - seriously - the cutest purses in the history of purses in the universe. They cost $198. I figured I'd rather have a new rug under my kitchen table.

New rug. Found online at Target.

I love Target.

I also love you guys. You're much better for me than Thin Mints.

New Floors!

2011-02-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

I found out this week that I'm not good at UTTER CHAOS.

It shouldn't come as a surprise, knowing my propensity for organizing, putting things in alphabetical order and color coordinating my closet. I'm OK with a little disorder - unfinished laundry, a few dishes in the sink - but those things are short term.

House projects are not short term.

The painting and floor refinishing projects - one week each - are probably short term for everyone but me. I get flustered when I can't find my trash can and my camera bag and purse have been sealed behind a wall of plastic. Also, the piled up furniture and things that went IN the furniture?

It's a big mess that I can't wait to get back in order.

Combine all this with sick kids and massive school projects and sports and . . . I think I'm losing it. Also, I have a partial tear in my left Achilles, incurred after an amazing display of athleticism called GETTING OUT OF MY SUBURBAN.

To top it all off, I have blood clots in the same leg as the Achilles and they are so exquisitely painful they take my breath away. I'd rather be in labor than have these clots. I've probably had about a hundred of them in my life and lemme tell you - they ain't for sissies. Since I'm a sissy that makes it tough.

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I'm turning into one of those people who whine about their health. Next thing you know I'll be sharing about bodily functions and comparing notes about hot flashes.

(Note to self: potential blog post about hot flashes)

Back to business. The floors are finished and they look fantastic!

I took this picture the first day. See the floor color? It's very golden - almost the same color as the furniture. Keep that in mind.

The guys immediately started in, pulling up the carpet in the dining room and sanding the rest of the floor -

This is Charlie. If the picture weren't so dark you could see how darling he is. Such a nice boy. It is now my mission in life to find him a wife.

Halfway finished with the dining room! This part looked fun - like putting a giant puzzle together.

Sanding the floors and . . .

. . . all finished sanding! See the darker color crescent shapes in the corners (click on the picture to get a close up if you want)? You can really see the color difference between old finish and new wood.

New dining room floor! I can't wait to get a big ol' Oriental rug in there, under the dining room table.

Remember how the floor color used to be as gold as that buffet?

These are the guys responsible - Dallas Day and his son Charlie, of Day Flooring. They did a fantastic job!

Thanks guys, it was a joy to have you in our home.

Now, to find Charlie a wife. Oh yes. Matchmaking and redecorating go hand in hand, don't you know.

In case you were wondering . . .

2011-01-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

In between sick kids round 1 and 2 (we just finished round 3 - let's keep our fingers crossed that we won't have a round 4, OK?), we started a little home improvement project that I like to call -

UTTER CHAOS.

It's a good thing I'm so well-adjusted. Otherwise the mess in my house would send me to the floor in the fetal position, sucking my thumb.

It's true - I can totally handle furniture moving, disrupted kitchens and big messes with no problem. Well, kind of. There are other things that bug me more.

Things like this -

If you look closely, you'll notice that none of these socks match.

None. They're all orphans. Orphan socks. Socks which used to have an identical twin. Now that twin is nowhere to be found.

I don't get it. Where do they go? Is there some sort of black hole in the universe that only sucks in one sock at a time? IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY - why oh WHY can't the black hole take both of them? Or none. I'm good with either. Just don't leave me with mismatched socks. (Fetal position. Thumb-sucking.)

But that isn't why I called you here today. Oh no, no, no, no, NO! Today is about good stuff! Yessiree.

Good.

Stuff.

The Karenpie's are doing some redecorating - painting, refinishing of wood floors and furniture purchasing. Oh yes. We have grown up, people. No more denim! No more country! Not that country and denim aren't OK, they just aren't OK for me anymore.

We started by repainting almost the entire interior of the house! My walls were either white or this very pale sage green. We chose a color to cover it all - a kind of light coffee color. I like to call it "latte". I'm creative like that.

Here we are in the family room. Those 2 guys, Eric and Carlos, became my buds. They painted our house for me! Is that not AWESOME?

(Sorry Mom - she wants me to stop saying awesome. She's suggested alternative superlatives like terrific or amazing. She's so awesome!)

Anyway, my best buds, Eric and Carlos were here for 4 days and painted everything. I feel like I have a new house!

Family room before.

Family room after. Yes, I know. The denim is still there.

Here's what's coming in 4 -6 weeks. It's going to be aweso---- terrific. Amazing, too.

Here are some other changes.

White, blah foyer.

New arrangement with stuff I already had. Stuff that was sitting around, acting all sad because it wasn't in its proper place.

Amazing.

Here's the biggest change, however -

The office. Left picture is the desk - bulging shelves with kid's papers, old trophies and typewriters and stuff. Right picture is a blank, white wall with the most important piece of furniture in the house - the wine refrigerator. Yes, it's full.

Doesn't everyone have one of these?

New configuration in the office. The desk is now against the facing wall, instead of the wall on the left. It totally opened up the room! I also did a ton of purging and got rid of a bunch of stuff in the drawers. Our shredder has been getting a work out!

We have long-term plans for new furniture. New curtains. New STUFF. I especially have plans for some remodeling. A small addition to the house.

We need a room to hold all the mismatched socks.

As I was saying . . .

2011-01-20T17:19:00.001-08:00

So anyway . . . back to Christmas.

I know, it was like 8 million years ago but the OCD part of me is rearing it's ugly head and I CANNOT - under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - move on with orderly blogging until I finish the Christmas stuff. You understand? Please tell me you understand.

Tell me that you, too, love it when your kids' sports equipment is in alphabetical order in the garage. In addition to that, you have a specific order and method of doing laundry and if anyone messes with it, it paralyzes you to the point that you are unable to finish the laundry.

Yeah, you're right. That last one is just because I hate laundry. It's my firm belief that laundry is a tool of Satan. Along with traffic lights.

I don't know what any of that has to do with Christmas. Could someone please send me a prescription for antipsychotics? Thank you.

On with the show. As you know, we spent Christmas in Kansas. We go every year because both sets of grandparents live there as well as cousins, aunts and uncles on both sides of the family. It's usually a whirlwind of activity - shopping, teasing, cooking, ping-pong tournaments and eating!

Michael and Meredith, our niece and nephew on Duane's side of the family.

Their house was our first stop, after flying into Kansas City. We spent the night, watched K-State get beat by UNLV and made gingerbread houses! Well, Katie helped make a gingerbread house and I ate a bunch of yogurt covered pretzels. That's how I roll, man.

We had a great visit, mostly because I was undeterred in my needling of Uncle Larry. It's my goal in life to help Uncle Larry get out of his comfort zone.

I should be a family therapist.

After our fun-for-me-not-so-much-for-Uncle-Larry visit we headed "home" to Salina.

Do any of you, after living and raising your kids elsewhere, still refer to your hometown as "home"? My kids get a bit confused, "We're going back home already? Where are we going again?"

Anyway . . .

We arrived in Salina in time to celebrate Grandma's birthday! We ate dinner then went back to the farm for Christmas presents.

Presents like this. My boys are taking aim at Grandma's china cabinet. And you should know that I, too, was excited about these BB guns. See, there's a mean, nasty-ass cat that comes in our backyard and picks on my kitties. So far, the airsoft gun hasn't made a - ahem - dent.

Locked and loaded, baby. That cat is MINE.

Back to the subject at hand - you want to meet my extended family? Don't be scared. Actually, you SHOULD be scared. Very . . . very . . . . scared.

Smart-ass sister's family. Aren't those girls purty? Don't tell them. I have a hard enough time keeping them in their place as it is.

Smart-ass brother's family. Honestly - I can't believe their kids are so normal.

A universe of smart-assedness in one picture. I'm the super-model in the back, next to the hunky guy in the gray coat.

Christmas was such a blast. The kids are all old enough to participate in activities with the grown-ups. And I use the word "grown-up" very, very loosely here.

For instance, Around the World Ping-Pong. You've played it, haven't you? WHAT? You don't know what it is? Well, it's only the craziest game of ping-pong EVER! It's basically ping-pong that allows all 16 of us to play.

Here, I'll show you. Get ready to be dazzled with an action shot -

Everyone surrounds the table, moving clockwise and hitting the ball when it's their turn. You hit the ball, lay down the paddle for the player behind you, and keep moving the whole time. If you hit the ball out, you're eliminated. One by one, people are eliminated until there are 2 remaining. Those 2 play a regular game to determine the champion.

What's fun is when it gets down to less than 5 players. You don't have a lot of time to hit, put your paddle down, run to the other side and return the volleys. It's especially hard when your SMART ASS BROTHER tries to mess with you when you're running. It's especially hard when SMART ASS BROTHER'S equally SMART ASS SISTERS gang up on him to prevent him from reaching the other side of the table.

We take our Around the World Ping-Pong seriously. It's a contact sport in our house.

In addition to that we did puzzles, shopped and had a sleepover. A grown-up sleepover. Seriously. All the grandkids were at Gram and Gramps' one night so what were we to do? There were no beds for the adults so we went to my brother's house and stayed the night. Grown-up sleepovers are AWESOME. First of all - apple martinis. Second - apple martinis.

We played Catch Phrase and laughed so hard. So. Very. Hard. My brother and sister are seriously the funniest people I know.

So - big sigh of relief - Christmas recap is over. You want to know why I've been so negligent in blogging? Here are some clues:

Interior painting

Furniture rearranging

Sick kids round 1

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning

Purging every single drawer and closet in this house

Sick kids round 2

Prep for wood floor refinishing

Furniture shopping

I'll have before and after pictures as we go along. That is if I live through it. Until then -

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love,

Karenpie

Christmas Recap

2011-01-04T14:20:00.001-08:00

HEY - I just remembered something!

I have a blog.

OK, enough about me. Let's talk about you. How have you been since . . . um, Thanksgiving? At least I think that was the last time we spoke. No wait, there was fudge somewhere in there. Anybody make it? I need to hear some success stories, people!

So. I hear you asking, "How was your Christmas, Karenpie? New Year's? Sinterklaas Day? WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU?

Well, maybe I was taking a sabbatical. You know what a sabbatical is, don't you? It's from the Latin sabbatical which means take a bunch of time off but still get paid. It's a time to refresh, renew and learn new stuff about your chosen profession. Some people write books or get degrees while on sabbatical. They improve themselves.

Which is why I wasn't on a sabbatical. I was just busy. And too lazy to do something as strenuous as improving myself for cripe's sake. Besides, my three employers are way too cheap to pay me not to work. I get enough flak playing Bejeweled on company time as it is.

My 3 bosses, showing me how big their mouths are.

Oh joy. And one of them has a gun. They have rather drastic means of enforcing company policy.

Anyway, back to the pre-Christmas, Karenpie rush. We had many parties at school. I was involved in all of them. Let's start with Katie's. Since I'm the room mom in her classroom, I was in charge of this gig and, being the genius I am, combined the craft and the snack into one activity. Genius, I tell you.

The kids made gingerbread houses out of graham crackers, frosting and a veritable buffet of candy. I fortified myself with Red Vines and waded in. And, another genius move? I bribed parents with Starbucks to come help out with Gingerbread House Construction.

This is NOT just a pretty face, people.

Unfortunately, the GB houses didn't hold up. See that sweet face up there? Can you also see the runny nose and watery eyes? As her 4-sided house fell down for the 3rd time, she lost it.

We ended up with graham cracker teepees.

But she perked up for the caroling! It's a tradition in our school for the 2nd-graders to go caroling to all the classrooms. The sounds of 38 2nd-graders singing "Away in a Manger" in the hallways was precious.

On to 5th grade.

Matthew's class did skits and invited classrooms to come watch. For this skit, Matthew and his buddies did something about the candy cane. And the letter J for "Joy" and "Jesus". Also it seems that Darth Vader was there, holding the candy cane.

I have no idea why.

Which brings me to Daniel's class. They had a big pot luck and everyone brought their favorite thing. I made a crockpot of Daniel's favorite food in the whole wide world - White Soup, or, Baked Potato Soup, as the rest of the world calls it. Unfortunately, there are no pictures of the white soup or of Daniel's party. By the time I got there, his classroom was dark and they were watching "How to Train Your Dragon". Don't you love school, the last day before break? It's just playing and eating, man.

School activities weren't the only thing going on in the Karenpie family, though. Check this out -

Wilton candy kits - suckers and pretzels. Are these made for crafty, little girls or WHAT?

They come with everything you need - candy melts in 4 colors, molds, plastic bags to melt them in and even cute little plastic bags for wrapping, in case you want to give them away as gifts.

I had 2 little elves going crazy with these. They did it for HOURS. It was awesome. I'm telling you -

CRAFT + SNACK = FUN. Actually, craft + snack = CRACK. How do you think that will go over during the 2nd grade room parties? "Come kids! It's time for crack!"

I love being a role model.

Katie's BFF, Mia, really got into it. The kit comes with a paintbrush in case you want to go crazy with candy melt details.

These sucker molds are stacks of gifts - can you see the ribbons and bows? Katie painted in all the ribbons and bows before filling them up. They were really cute.

So, information dump #1 complete. Stay tuned for the second installment entititled:

"The Karenpies spend Christmas in Kansas".

I promise you won't have to wait a month for it.

Promise.

Fat Friday: Fudge Off

2010-12-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

Forgive me. I am in a MOOD today. And, being the considerate, thoughtful friend I am, will proceed to poison your mood too I mean share the joy.

I've had blog posts rattling around in my brain for a week and I find myself dictating them in my head. Only to turn around and find I've been speaking out loud.

My kids are looking at me funny. Again. I should probably get used to that.

So anyway, about 342 years ago we had our dear friends over for dinner. (OK, it was only last weekend. If you haven't gotten used to my tendency to exaggerate, well . . . . buckle up.)

We had an awesome dinner - I made homemade bread and a new soup recipe from Paula Deen. It was a pumpkin bisque with shrimp. Sounds weird, huh? It was delicious. Maybe I'll blog about it when I'm in a better mood. Anyway, for some reason I struggled with dessert. What to make, what to make, what to make . . .

There are too many choices. Then - EUREKA! I'll make fudge!

I mean it's Christmas time and all, time to break out the things I only indulge in during December. Why is that anyway? Shouldn't I be able to eat fudge in the summer time, for crying out loud? WHY do I limit myself? Oh the humanity!

Anyway, I have three fudge recipes and couldn't decide between the three. So I made all of them.

Restraint isn't one of my gifts.

During dinner I told everyone, OK, here's the deal. I made a bunch of fudge and we get to decide the winner. It will be our first annual Fudge Off. (And you thought I was just being inappropriate with that title up there. Shame on you. You shouldn't believe the worst of me, even though most of the time you'd be right.). The bonus was that dessert went incredibly well with the wine. Amazing combo. Even better than straight-up chocolate or truffles. Red wine and fudge. My new favorite combination.

So today, I'm going to share some recipes with you! Fudge is extremely easy to make. I will prove it by making it so quickly that I won't have time for pictures. Nope. No pictures of the process today. Just the end result. Reason being, my photography skills have been rapidly declining. I'm just in a FUNK. All pictures of the Fudge Off were blurry.

Here's proof:

Glenn. Out of focus. Not to say that Glenn isn't focused. He's very focused - you just can't tell it here.

Dawn. Who manages to look awesome no matter what my lack of focusing capabilities may be.

I did manage to take a good picture of the wine.

Maybe I have a problem with priorities. My friends were out of focus but the wine wasn't. What does that say about me? WHAT DOES IT SAY?

Anyway, back to the fudge. Here are the three different kinds I made:

From the left: Oreo Fudge, Million Dollar Fudge and 7-Pound Fudge. The middle one, Million Dollar Fudge, is a recipe I've made since I was a kid. Mom used to make it, primarily at Christmas time (the travesty) and put it on goodie trays for people. It's a fabulous recipe - creamy and smooth and it tastes like you're eating pure chocolate. I put toasted walnuts in it this time and much to my dismay, I cooked it too long and it came out hard and a bit crumbly. Unsurprisingly, it didn't win.

We had a tie between the other two - Oreo Fudge and the 7 Pound Fudge. I'm not sure about the title of the last one. Maybe it's because you weigh an extra 7 pounds after eating it. I'll do the research and get back to you on that.

Both of these were creamy and smooth with amazing flavor. I'm a milk chocolate gal and so they really appeal to me, but they were both very sweet. I'm trying to find a good dark chocolate fudge recipe to try. Anybody have a good one? Anyone? Hello . . (knock, knock) is this thing on?

If I had a great dark chocolate fudge recipe, I'd experiment with add-ins like dried blueberries or candied ginger or orange peel or - yikes! - chili pepper. Livin' on the edge, man.

Here are the recipes:

Oreo Fudge

1 bag of white chocolate chips

2-14 oz. cans sweetened condensed milk (Eagle brand)

1 bag milk chocolate chips

1 c. chopped Oreos (in big pieces)

1 c. mini chocolate chips

1st Layer: Line an 8x8 pan with waxed paper. Melt the bag of white chips with one can of sw. condensed milk (I used the microwave). Stir til smooth then add oreos and mini chips. Pour into your prepared pan in a smooth layer.

2nd Layer: Melt the bag of milk chocolate chips with the 2nd can of sw. condensed milk. Pour evenly over the first layer.

Refrigerate til firm. Serve at room temperature.

(Click here for printable)

And . . .

7 Pound Fudge

24 oz. milk chocolate Hershey bars, cut in small pieces

2 bags milk chocolate chips

13 oz. jar marshmallow cream

4 c. sugar

13 oz. can evaporated milk (NOT Eagle brand)

2 sticks butter

2 t. vanilla

1 c. toasted nuts - optional

Mix chocolates and marshmallow cream in a large bowl. Mix sugar, milk and butter in a large saucepan on the stove. Heat and stir til bubbly then boil for 5 minutes. Pour hot mixture over chocolates and marshmallow. Beat til blended and smooth. Beat in vanilla and nuts. Put in a greased 9x13 pan. Refrigerate til firm. Serve at room temperature.

( Click here for printable)

Trust me, fudge is easy to make. Can you believe the sugar content, though? I have to confess, as I was making these recipes, I was twitching - thinking about how much sugar was in them. Then I read this (if you click on the picture you'll get a larger image and you can read the whole thing. It's a crack up):

This is an ad from the February, 1966, McCall's Magazine for Women. Dawn found it while antiquing one day. In the "Note to Mothers" in the box it says, "Play safe with your young ones - make sure they get sugar every day."

I found this immensely reassuring. I also feel a lot better about eating fudge for breakfast.

The Soup That Will Rock Your World

2010-11-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

OK, here's the thing - as I was making this soup, I came to the realization that this particular recipe is high maintenance. There are many steps and in reality, it took me two days. But that's because I wasn't in a hurry. Seriously, how can you be in a hurry when your refrigerator is still full of leftovers?

I am a bit tired of turkey sandwiches, if you must know the truth. That comes from getting a ginormous bowl of leftover turkey from your dear friends with whom you celebrated the holiday, then cooking your own entire turkey the next day. God forbid we'd run out of turkey in the Karenpie house.

So let's get started - unless I've scared you away with ominous talk of two-day, high maintenance food. I promise it will be worth it. You should trust me - have I ever led you astray?

To begin, we're going to make turkey stock! Here's whatcha need to start -

2 carrots, peeled

2 stalks of celery

1 onion

All cut in big chunks. No need to be fancy.

You also need a turkey carcass. We - and I use that word very, very loosely here - clean our turkey the night we eat it. It's easier to do when the meat is still a bit warm. Here is my helper -

He does really good work. I think I'll keep him around and see if his work ethic is just as high with dirty dishes.

Hi sweetie! Hey - over here. How come you're not looking at me, the love of your life? Why aren't you . . . .

Oh. Never mind. Carry on sweet kitchen helper - you're doing a fabulous job!

Turkey cleaning - my least favorite part of Thanksgiving. This year, because I'm an important food blogger, I got out of that particular job. Gotta take pictures you know. Can't get greasy turkey parts on my beloved Canon, right?

I'm assuming you cleaned your turkey before you stuck it in the freezer like I told you to. You guys are so obedient! Just one of the many reasons I love you so much!

Don't go crazy with cleaning your bird. The small bits of meat still clinging to the bones will NOT go to waste.

Here's another tip - as you can see, Duane broke the turkey and separated the breast from the back. It will fit in your pot more easily and you won't be using the back. Toss it. We like our turkey carcasses spineless. Reason? See those little ridges, or vertebrae, on the back, the darker part up there? As you cook them, the meat and anything holding the vertebrae together will fall apart. You are then left with a ton of little bones that will make your life HELL I mean make your job harder. I'll show you what I mean in a minute.

Here's something else you can toss - all those skinny, bonelike tendons on the drumsticks. Pull or cut them off. Trust me, you'll thank me when you're done cooking this baby and you have to dig all the bones out of the stock.

Put all the bones in a big - at least an 8 qt - stock pot.

Add the carrots, celery and onion and add enough water to cover it all. At this point I throw in other stuff that may be leftover from cooking Thanksgiving dinner, too. Canned broth, turkey drippings, fresh herbs like sage, rosemary or thyme - if any of these are hanging out in your fridge use them up!

Bring it to a boil then reduce the heat so it's simmering. Put a lid on it and let it go for several hours. Your house will smell like you're cooking a ginormous Thanksgiving dinner again! Beautiful. While it's cooking, you have time to make another pumpkin pie. It's the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure it's what Barefoot Contessa (my heroine!) would do.

The stock is done when you dig around in your stockpot and come up with absolutely clean bones - the meat has completely fallen off of them. I usually start cooking my stock at night and let it go all night. If it's at a low simmer with the lid on it will be fine. You'll occasionally wake up and wonder, groggily, why the house smells so strongly of cooking turkey. Then you'll go back to sleep and dream of turkey.

In the morning, take the pot off the heat and let it cool enough so you can handle it. Ready to play with your food?

See how much it's cooked down? Now you get to dig all the bones out.

Remove them and discard.

Remember when I told you to throw the back away? Well, the same goes for the neck. Unfortunately, I didn't take my own advice. There is always so much meat on the neck, I hate to waste it - and I paid for it, man. It took FOR. EV. ER. to dig all the tiny little vertebrae out.

And to dig little, tiny, sharp tendons out too.

It helps to have a big, slotted spoon like this one.

That way you can dig out the solids, and, with your freakishly weird mutant hand, feel for bones.

When you're absolutely sure you've removed all the bones, get up close and personal with the stock. You'll find more. Unless you've used your brain and thrown away the offending turkey parts that could cause you to LOSE YOUR MIND.

No, I'm not bitter. Why do you ask?

Now for the fun part. We're going to puree this stock! You'll need a blender, food processor or my personal favorite - a stick blender. I got this one for under $15. The beauty of using this is you don't have to take anything out of the stockpot to process, it works right in the pot you have! But no worries, if you don't have one of these babies, start taking all the solids out of the stock and putting them in a blender or food processor. You'll need a bit of the liquid too.

Once everything is smooth, return it to the pot and refrigerate. I do this so I can skim off any fat. It's much easier to do that when the fat has chilled and solidified.

You ready to finish this baby? Let's go.

You'll need:

3 T. Worcestershire sauce

3 T. vinegar

3 T. soy sauce

2 t. prepared mustard

2 t. sugar

salt and pepper to taste

16 oz. package of frozen veggies, your choice

Leftovers: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, yes I'm serious.

In this 8 qt. stock pot, I have around 6 qt. of the pureed stock. It is now soup! Sometimes I have less, depending on how much the stock cooks down and evaporates. Because of that, you may have to adjust the seasonings a bit, if you have a smaller quantity. Does that make sense? Are you still with me? Don't quit now! This is the easy part! Easy being relative. Quite frankly, Subway is easier. So is Taco Bell. But I digress.

Heat up the thick, yummy soup.

Start adding everything. I had around 5 c. of small turkey pieces I threw in.

And around 4 c. of leftover mashed potatoes. These will thicken the soup up nicely. They also have the added advantage of evening out the seasonings if you've made it too salty.

So, whip up some biscuits to go alongside and be a hero! And can I tell you a secret? I made up the recipe. It's the only recipe I've ever invented in my life. And now you have it - a Karenpie original.

I expect Barefoot Contessa to call me any day. We're going to be best friends - she just doesn't know it yet.

(Click here for printable)

Heads Up!

2010-11-24T22:56:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys!

OK, just a teeny, tiny little post today. Because I forgot to say something yesterday when I did the Cranberry Butter.

Sometime next week I'm going to show you how to make After-Thanksgiving Turkey Soup. It's fantastic. It makes good use of leftovers and here's the clincher . . . it will change your life. However, to make this life-changing soup, you need a turkey carcass. That's right. The greasy, ugly, pile of bones that used to be your Thanksgiving turkey is actually a treasure in disguise.

So don't throw it away tomorrow, OK? Stick it in a ziplock or wrap it in plastic and put it in your freezer. Also, don't clean it perfectly. Those tiny little pieces of meat that are still clinging to the bone are gold. Gold, I tell you!

You'll thank me. I promise.

Cranberry Butter

2010-11-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

OK, it's not Fat Friday and all I have to say about THAT is . . . whatever.

My life has been crazy lately. I have no margin. No down time. No free time to play Bejeweled on Facebook. No Bejeweled on Facebook? The world has gone mad!

Whenever I can't get to posting on this here blog thingie, I feel guilty. I feel bad when I think of you guys checking in and seeing that same old picture of the pumpkin ginger cranberry braid. By the way, did you try it? What did you think? Did you erect a statue in my honor on your front lawns? Anyway, back to me . . .

About the guilt thing - I'm done with it. There's nothing more tiresome and annoying that people who apologize all the time about the minutiae in their lives. The minutiae that happens to BE their lives. So, I'm going on record here - no more apologizing for my erratic blogging. I have a life and sometimes it doesn't include the computer. I only wish it would include a full time laundress and cook and dishwasher.

Any takers?

All that being said, it's enormously humbling to me, that you think my life is interesting. Interesting enough to read about here on Karenpie. Are we still friends? Because real friends will listen to the whining and then bring you dinner. That's what I'm going for. Someone to feed me and my family. Because it sure as heck isn't ME. Can anyone say "Subway"?

So, before we're all sucked into the black hole that is my over-scheduled life, I want to show you how to make this fantastic butter! Is it OK, since it's not Friday? Will you accept it anyway? Because this would be a wonderful part of your Thanksgiving table! You probably already have all the ingredients, too.

Ready?

You only need four ingredients:

3/4 c. frozen cranberries - buy them fresh & freeze for a day or two before using

2 t. grated lemon peel

6 T. powdered sugar

2 sticks butter, softened

Sometimes I only use three ingredients and leave the lemon peel out. Depends on whether

a) I feel like grating lemon peel and

b) if I have a lemon laying around that isn't crusty and moldy and hard. Just sayin'.

Grate the lemon peel using your Microplane grater. What? You don't have a Microplane? HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING? Go to Bed, Bath and Beyond right now and purchase one. Yes, NOW. I'll wait. We'll all wait for you. Don't feel guilty or anything. That you're holding up the whole operation because of your refusal to buy an inexpensive and indispensable kitchen utensil.

Are you back? Don't ever let that happen again, do you hear me? I am in NO MOOD, Missy, to put up with your fits. Just learn to obey me immediately and we'll all be happy. On with the show.

So, you've grated a couple teaspoons of lemon peel, right? Put that, the frozen cranberries and powdered sugar in the bowl of your food processor. What? You don't have a food processor? Unfortunately, you need one for this recipe. I suppose I could be flexible and show you how to chop up the cranberries in teeny, tiny little pieces but, um . . . . I'm me. Go buy a food processor.

Start pulsing the mixture until the pieces of frozen cranberry are very small.

Then add the butter. Your life will be easier if you cut up the butter in small cubes first. Then, once again, pulse the food processor to mix everything up. You will have to occasionally scrape down the sides of the bowl.

It will turn a lovely shade of bright pink! It will also be a bit crumbly. When everything's at room temperature, it will be smooth and spreadable. Right now the frozen cranberries have caused the butter to firm up again.

This butter is festive and tasty. It's tart with just a bit of sweetness and it's fantastic on your grandmother's homemade rolls. WHAT? You don't make homemade rolls for Thanksgiving? I feel an intervention coming on.

For several years I have made this butter and packed it into half-pint jars at Christmas. I pair it with loaves of homemade bread and give it to the guys in Duane's office. It's a hit! It will also keep for a long time in the fridge.

At least long enough for you to learn how to make homemade rolls.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear ones!

Fat Friday: Pumpkin Ginger Cranberry Braid

2010-11-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

Well . . . hello there! How on earth have you been? Anything new with you? I just put my sick baby girl to bed with her vaporizer and thought I'd check in with everybody.

It IS still technically Friday, so I'm going to giddy up and give you guys a FABULOUS recipe. Seriously, this bread is amazing. I got it from Sugarcrafter and if you guys haven't checked out her site, she's a wonderful food blogger and photographer. I've gotten some really good stuff from her and guess what? You can too - go give her a visit and tell her I said hi. Never mind she doesn't know who I am.

So . . . are you ready to make another yeast bread? OH COME ON. It's not that hard! You can do it - I'll babysit you all the way through.

You know, someday, I'm going to have a clinic at my house. I'll invite anyone who wants to learn how to make yeast bread to come over for some hands-on experience. It would be exactly like when the Pioneer Woman invites people to her ranch for cooking weekends. Only I don't have a ranch. Or a guest lodge. And you'd have to sleep on a sleeper sofa in the Lego room. Which I may or may not vacuum for you. Also, there are no cowboys wearing chaps at my house. I guess Duane could wear some . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . huh? Whaaaa . . . what? Wait, what were we talking about? I think my brain just froze. (Note to self: get Duane chaps for Christmas.)

Um, why don't we just go ahead and make this recipe.

Here's what you need:

4-1/2 c. bread flour

1 t. cinnamon

1 t. ground ginger

1/8 t. ground cloves

1/8 t. ground nutmeg

1/3 c. sugar

1-1/2 t. salt

1 T. instant yeast

2 eggs

1/2 stick butter, melted

1 - 15 oz. can pumpkin (not pie filling)

1/3 c. dried cranberries

See the small, brown rock on top of the can of pumpkin? Well, check this out -

Whole nutmeg. Have you ever ground your own spices? I have to confess, I hadn't until my mom got me using whole nutmeg. It's much stronger and more fragrant so I don't use as much as the recipe calls for.

Here's how you use it -

Grate it with your Microplane. It's coarser than the stuff you buy already ground. And it smells so good when you're grating it! Yum.

Put all the dry ingredients - flour, spices, sugar, salt and yeast - in a big bowl. I like to use my mixer because then it can do the work of kneading the dough. Briefly whisk the ingredients together.

In a separate bowl, mix all the wet ingredients together - eggs, butter and pumpkin.

Add the wet ingredients to the dry in the mixer bowl and begin mixing.

When everything is well-combined, knead for 2 minutes, let it rest for 15 minutes then knead again for another 5 minutes. Knead in the cranberries.

Remove the dough and lightly grease the mixer bowl. Cover it and let it rise until doubled - about an hour.

After the hour of rising, turn the dough out and divide it in half.

Divide each of those halves into three pieces.

Roll each piece into a rope around 15 inches long.

Pinch the ends together,

Spread out the ropes,

And begin braiding. Make a loose braid, with spaces in between the ropes. As the loaf rises, those spaces will fill in. If you get the braid too tight, it will rise without any problem, but you'll have really dense areas of dough. Those dense areas may not bake as evenly as the rest of the loaf and you'll have places of gooey dough.

Personally, I find that rather gross. But that's just me. If you want to make tight dough braids at our bread clinic, feel free. I won't be paying attention anyway. I'll be ogling the guy in the chaps . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . huh? What? QUIT DISTRACTING ME.

OK, you've finished braiding the dough but see how the ends look all wonky? (I love that word. Thank you, Molly, for teaching me the word "wonky". It's appropriate in so many situations.)

Fold them under and -

Voila! Beautiful braids. See how small they are? Both braids can fit on one cookie sheet. They're about 12 inches long.

Cover them and let them rise for another hour. They'll be puffy, in fact, I had to pinch the ends of my loaves back together again as they were starting to come apart.

Bake 20-25 minutes at 375F.

It will smell like Thanksgiving in your house while they're baking!

This bread is moist, light and chewy and not overly sweet with fantastic flavor! I found I didn't want anything on it, not even butter.

I'm going to make this for Thanksgiving morning, when we're all sitting around in our pajamas watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade! We'll be keeping an eye out for my niece who, along with the other members of the Blue Springs High School marching band, is in the parade.

I know you'll love this bread - it really is outstanding! Now, I've got to go shopping. At a western store. Some place that carries chaps.

Fat Friday and Priorities

2010-11-06T12:41:00.001-07:00

I know it's Saturday. You think I don't know what day of the week it is? I'm a day late.

So sue me.

And everyone (Patti) who's given me a hard time on Facebook because I didn't post yesterday (Patti) BEGONE WITH YOU. And how come you don't give me an equally hard time about not getting Bible study done? Huh? WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES? I guess the real question is - where are mine?

Well, let me show you where and what and who my priorities were yesterday, when I should have been blogging . . .

Priorities. Seven of them. Seven of the loudest, squirmiest, squealing priorities I could ever have hoped to be around.

They descended on our house to help Katie celebrate her birthday. The boys, wisely, had their own sleepover to attend, making this a completely boy-free, all-girl zone.

WHAT in the name of all that is holy do these girls have in their hands? Is it some sort of weapon? Am I in danger?

Oh Lord help me.

Point blank range! Good girls.

Silly string should be a must for anyone having a bad day. You have to laugh! It's impossible to stay in a bad mood when you have a can of silly string in your hands.

See? I have proof.

Lookin' good, Katie-girl.

So, we celebrated with silly string and . . .

Cupcakes. And a cupcake decorating contest. Doesn't this look extremely yummy? I just don't think there are enough sprinkles, though. Maybe the artist, here, could be a Fat Friday guest blogger someday. She could teach us all about professional cake decorating.

And of course there was giggling. Lots and lots of giggling. And squealing. It just isn't a birthday unless those two things are present.

So . . . sorry but Fat Friday was hijacked by silly string, fake strawberry cupcakes and giggling.

I owe you one.

Drive-By Blogging

2010-11-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today is random day - at least in my house. I feel like I've complained a lot about my busy life. Like I'm the only one in the universe with that problem. But starting yesterday, I've been able to catch my breath. Yesterday, after the kids went to school, I stayed in my pajamas, answered emails then went back to bed.

It was AWESOME. As in, it inspired awe. It also inspired a desire to do it every day. Like that'll happen.

So, while I may have been able to catch my breath, my brain is still circling itself, trying to find sane and rational things to think about. Again - like that'll happen.

So, there will be no logical, reasonable blogging today. Instead, you'll get a kind of jumbled, random, stream-of-consciousness series of thoughts or, as I like to call it, Drive-By Blogging. Ready?

1. I think I've gained 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I no longer hear a choir of angels when I see the Nutella jar in my pantry.

2. The number of Nerf bullets I find in my houseplants is directly related to the number of glasses of wine I drink. Right now the ratio is 1:1.

3. If your kid eats Red Vines and then hurls, the red throw-up stain will never come out of your carpet. Ever. Even after 7 years.

4. We don't have Red Vines in our house anymore.

5. Why, in the name of all that is good and right, would I put on 10 lbs.? Did I not, literally, work my tail off for a good 5 months, training for Portland to Coast and the Portland Half Marathon? Why do I do this to myself?

6. When I put on weight I feel bad. Then I eat more Nutella to make me feel better. Which works for about 10 minutes.

7. I'm not buying any more Nutella, no matter how much it begs and promises and whispers sweet nothings in my ear when I'm grocery shopping at Walmart.

8. I need therapy. Something with a little more credibility than wine.

9. The Canon D60 is a SWEET camera.

10. The Canon D60 costs $1200.

11. I'll never have a Canon D60.

12. Why do cats catch mice then eat everything but the stomachs and heads?

13. I have a mouse head collection in my backyard.

14. I wonder if I could sell mouse heads on eBay?

15. It's 7-1/2 weeks til Christmas.

16. I'm going to give Nutella as Christmas gifts.

Goodbye. It's been nice knowing you.

Fat Friday: Um, well . . .

2010-10-29T16:52:00.001-07:00

OK, I know it's Friday and you tune in here so I can impart great kitchen wisdom into your lives. You wait all week to see what new and exciting thing I'm making for you.

Well, I have some bad news.

See, I woke up yesterday and before I was even out of bed, I had a headache, which worsened until it was a migraine by lunchtime. I'm not complaining - by migraine standards, mine are pretty easy to take care of. A couple of over-the-counter migraine tablets and I'm good to go. But I knew the migraine was caused by stress, which had been steadily ratcheting up as the week went on. This is my first year, since becoming a mom, that I've found myself away from home more than at home. Practices, meetings, sports - it's the usual stuff that all parents deal with. I'm just a bigger whiner. Plus, I'm a total homebody. I love to be at home in my nest, nesting.

I really should drink more wine.

I realize prayer and taking things to God are a viable source of handling stress, but sometimes I just need an adult beverage to take the edge off, man.

So, back to my excuses. . . .

I saw this last month and have been planning to make them for Halloween and for my kids' classroom harvest parties -

Fossil cookies. Found this little gem in Martha Stewart's October issue this year. Aren't they cool? And how easy could they be? You just take sugar cookie dough, imprint plastic bugs in them and bake. I was IN.

So, I made my sugar cookie recipe and got plastic bugs and spiders at the dollar store. I looked all over for a plastic centipede but couldn't find one. See how cute Martha's is? All those little legs . . .

I made the imprints and got them pretty deep. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.

Then I baked them. See what happened? The bug imprints just melted into the cookie.

Dang it. I need a sugar cookie recipe that isn't so buttery. Maybe shortbread? Will you please try this and tell me if it works for you? You can even borrow my plastic bugs.

So, this was last night. My big fossil cookie experiment had tanked and I needed cookies for 3 harvest parties at school today. That's close to 60 kids.

I was tired, still had the dregs of a migraine and was butt-tired. I didn't want to make more cookies, I wanted to be horizontal. Enter my new best friend . . .

Mr. Lofthouse.

Mr. Lofthouse makes beautiful cookies and he and I go way back. Back to when I was pregnant with Daniel.

I think I was around 7 months pregnant and my neighbor brought me these sugar cookies. From then until the end of my pregnancy, I'm pretty sure I kept the company in business. At one point I called the customer service line to do some major butt-kissing. I was hoping for a) free stuff but mostly b) the recipe. When I taste something that knocks my socks off, I have no shame - I will ask for the recipe. I've done it in restaurants, hotels, bed and breakfasts, friends' homes - you name it.

The point is, if I want something, I'll ask for it. Usually I get it. I'm spoiled like that. Anyway, back to my Lofthouse story.

I called their number and tried sucking up. I flattered them. I had no shame. To the best of my recollection, this is how the conversation went:

"Lofthouse customer service, how can I help you?"

"Um, hi, I'm not calling to complain or anything, I just really like your cookies a lot."

"Oh! Well thank you for your comments!"

"Yeah, um, actually what I want is the recipe because (here's where I played the I'm-pregnant-and-you-should-do-what-I-want card) I'm pregnant and the baby needs cookies."

"Well (laughing), that's really nice but we don't give out the recipe. It's an old family secret."

"Are you sure? Because they are seriously the best sugar cookies I've ever had and I'm your best customer. I'm pretty sure I am. Really."

"We love hearing things like that and we're so glad our cookies have impacted you in such a positive way!"

"Well, mostly they've impacted my butt but I guess I'll just keep buying them. Because if I stop buying them there's a real possibility you'll go out of business."

I've tried valiantly to duplicate this cookie recipe but without success.

Now listen up, if you go buy these cookies, don't look at the nutritional content. It'll ruin it for you. OBEY ME. Just enjoy them, despite the 170 calories, 7g fat, 29g carbs and 17g sugar.

Each.

I ate two. They cure migraines.

Dinnertime with the Karenpies or Why We Aren't the Cleavers

2010-10-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

Warning: The following post contains inappropriate humor. Like you're surprised.

I'm on the kids all the time, to keep their hands to themselves when they eat. To stop touching each other and putting their fingers and hands in their siblings faces because that's how food gets spilled and how milk glasses get knocked over.

Because when full glasses of milk get spilled in my kitchen, I go postal. The splashing sound of liquid hitting the kitchen floor is enough to make me instantly berzerko. Whoever coined the phrase, "There's no use crying over spilt milk" is a bozo. A bozo who never cleaned up spilt milk. Milk that hit the floor and splashed 7 feet away. Milk that was spilled because somebody was messing around.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

Tonight at supper, Daniel was his usual goofy self. He was eating and at the same time, walking his fingers around his plate. He did it over and over, progressively getting closer to my plate. He knows better. As his walking fingers orbited his plate and approached mine for the 783rd time, I had had enough and I stabbed him with my fork. Startled, he jerked his hand back then started laughing. Then he looked for blood.

Oh COME ON. Like none of you have ever stabbed one of your children with your fork at the dinner table. Like I'm the only one.

After that, the conversation went something like this:

Matthew, seeing the commotion at the other end of the table, asked: "What'd you do, Mom?"

Me: "I stabbed Daniel's hand with my fork because he was messing around too close to my plate."

Katie: "I have an idea Mom! If someone messes around you should first whack them over the head and the second time fork them."

Me: "If someone is messing around at the dinner table I'll probably leave it -"

Daniel: (interrupting) " - for the professionals?"

Me: "Well, no, I meant to say 'wait' because every situation is different. Not every situation requires stabbing someone with a fork."

Matthew: "So you don't want to fork everybody?"

Katie: "Mom, have you ever been forked?"

Me: "Uuuuhh." Looking to Duane for A LITTLE HELP HERE because I'm finding it too difficult to keep a straight face. Of course he's off the kids' radar and is quietly sitting across from me. He's trying so hard to keep from laughing, he has tears in his eyes. He was thinking, "How the fork do we get out of this one?"

Katie: "What if Dad messes around? Will you fork him?"

Me: "You think I should fork Dad?"

Daniel: "Well, if he messes around . . ."

Me: "Oh yeah. Dad will definitely get forked. No question about it."

The end.

Fat Friday: Pumpkin Butterscotch Nutella Bread

2010-10-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today is a first on Fat Friday - I'm doing a recipe I've never tried before. It'll be brand new for all of us but before the skepticism sets in let me point something out to you -

Pumpkin + Butterscotch + Nutella

Is there anything that could possibly go wrong? Seriously? You should trust me. Of course I've said that before and look where it got you. Probably into therapy. Or a liquor store.

So, ready to try this new recipe with me? Here's what you need and let's keep our fingers crossed!

2 c. flour

1 t. baking soda

1 t. ginger

1 t. cinnamon

1 t. nutmeg

1/2 c. butter - softened

3/4 c. sugar

2 eggs

1 c. pumpkin, not pie filling

1/2 c. butterscotch chips

2-3 T. nutella

Put 1/2 c. butter and 3/4 c. sugar in your mixer bowl. Cream them for several minutes.

Don't let the pictures of extra ingredients confuse you - I'm doubling the recipe. I'm still struggling with my large capacity mixer and it's inability to handle small quantities. That means if I don't like this recipe, I'll have 2 loaves. Woo hoo.

Add 2 eggs to the creamed butter and sugar, one at a time. Can I offer you a hint? Break your eggs into a separate bowl and pour them into the mixer one by one. It seems like I always get egg shell in them and have to fish it out. You know the best way to do that, right? Use the larger shell to fish out the smaller piece. The sharp edge of the shell seems to cut through the viscous white and makes it easier to grab the tiny piece.

These are small, farm-fresh eggs given to me by the Harmons last week. Two of these eggs equals one regular egg. If it looks like I'm using a lot of eggs it's because I am.

Here's another reason to break your eggs into a separate bowl -

See the bloody part? The egg isn't contaminated or anything - it has something to do with where the hen is in her reproductive cycle. But contaminated or not, I still don't want it in my pumpkin bread so I tossed it.

This concludes our home economics lesson for the day. Back to the recipe.

With the mixer running, add the eggs, one at a time until they're all incorporated. You'll probably have to scrape down the sides of the bowl a couple of times.

Now add 1 cup of pumpkin - make sure it's not pumpkin pie filling. Mix it thoroughly into the egg mixture.

Whisk all the dry ingredients - flour, baking soda, ginger, cinnamon and nutmeg - together in a separate bowl. Then, with the mixer running, add it to the pumpkin mixture.

Finally, fold in the butterscotch chips. If you have a pumpkin bread recipe that you love, feel free to use it and add 1/2 c. butterscotch chips.

Now comes the fun part. You'll need nutella. Oh my sweet Lord, nutella is clearly one of Your most fabulous creations.

You can see I have 2 different sizes. The smaller jar I bought a couple of weeks ago, knowing I was going to try this bread.

This is why I had to buy another jar. I opted for the larger size this time. HEY - quit judging me - I have self-control issues. So sue me.

Here's how you use the nutella (does anybody else hear a choir of angels singing every time I write that word? Just wondering.)

Spread half the batter in a greased 9x5 loaf pan. Put 2 or 3 big blobs of nutella (about a heaping tablespoon each) on top of the batter.

The nutella blob - it's controlling my hand - can't . . . resist . . . . being pulled . . . into nutella's gravitational field . . . must . . . hang on . . .

Scientific observation #1: nutella blob greatly reduced in size. Needs further study.

If your self control is greater than mine, here's what it should look like.

I used an offset spatula to spread it around. As you can see, I wasn't real concerned with what it looked like. I think the original recipe, which I found on Tasty Kitchen by cakeduchess, called for layering 1/3 batter - 2 T. nutella - 1/3 batter - 2 T. nutella - remaining batter, then swirling with a knife so you get that beautiful marbling inside the loaf. I was too busy licking nutella off the spoon to worry about that.

Maybe next time.

Bake it for 50 - 60 minutes at 350F. Again, a change from the original recipe. That called for baking it 30 minutes. When I baked it, I checked it at 30 minutes and the toothpick came out clean. But the loaf was a bit flat. I didn't think anything of it since the toothpick was clean so took it out of the oven. Here's what it looked like after cooling and cutting -

Cooked edges with a runny, batter middle. Gross. I had to start over and do it again. Maybe my brain was on nutella/sugar overload and stopped functioning because I KNEW BETTER. When I didn't see a pretty rounded loaf I should have known something wasn't right despite the clean toothpick. Sheesh.

Second time - success! I LOVE this bread. It's very moist and dense with fabulous flavor. I especially love that the nutella ribbon in the middle didn't soak into the bread, but stayed intact. Yumminess.

Make it for your family and they'll worship the ground you walk on.

Or maybe that's just the nutella talking.

Chapter Nineteen, In Which Country Kids Show What Freaks of Nature They Truly Are.

2010-10-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I'll go through my digital pictures. I'll click through events and look at all we've been doing - sorta like looking at a scrapbook. Only it's on a monitor instead of in a nice book on the coffee table. Also, there are no captions or journaling. GAAAHHH - I feel guilty already.

So anyway, I look through them and find pics I've forgotten. Pictures around which I had entire blog posts planned. Pictures so interesting - so beautiful and touching - that it seems a shame to let them lie dormant, unknown to anyone but me.

Today I'm dusting some of them off.

Way back last June, when we were in Kansas, I posted a bunch of pics of the kids on the farm. There were the tractors and wheat fields, cousins and animals but I neglected one of the most important activities in which we engage when we go home - spider hunting.

Oh yes. Spider hunting.

And I can hear you - all of you - saying, "Eeeuww!"

OK, maybe that was me. Because I'm a sick, twisted individual. My fear and loathing of spiders is well-documented on this blog. So why - you ask - would I expose myself to nasty spiders on purpose?

Well, because it's . . . . um, uh . . . . and there's always . . . uh . . .

I have no idea.

My mom taught us how to do it when we were little kids. We grew up doing it when our friends came over or our city-cousins came to visit (hey - can we show you a good time in the country or WHAT?). My siblings and I have taught our kids to do it, too. What can I say? I guess I haven't grown out of it. I prefer knowing when and where I'll see the spider versus seeing one unexpectedly and having the crap scared out of me. I like control over my spider-sightings.

So, I bring you a beloved tradition, handed down generation to generation in my family:

Spider Hunting.

We begin by walking slowly around the field or in this case, Grandma and Grandpa's yard. We're looking for holes in the ground. These holes have a border of grass and webbing built up around the rim. I think they're some kind of trap-door spider but we always called them Wolf spiders. And they're big. And fast. And nasty.

I can't remember - why do I do this?

This particular hole is pretty big, as indicated by Daniel's thumb. And just so you know - the bigger the hole, the bigger the spider. Thought I should clarify that in case you couldn't figure it out yourself.

If you haven't yet realized, I'm a master at stating the obvious.

Tear down the spider's carefully constructed perimeter and expose the hole.

Start pouring water down the hole and have a stick handy.

OK, we're pouring water and pausing to look for the spider coming up. And we're pouring, pausing, looking, pouring, pausing, looking, and . . . . .

Jackpot. Big spider whom we have just completely pissed off by flooding its home.

"What the $%!?/#! Are you kidding me with the *!^#-ing water? I JUST CLEANED THIS PLACE UP. Darn you to heck you horrible humans!"

Try to distract your kids from the profanity being uttered by the spider and get the stick behind it. It may be mad but it also has a highly developed sense of self-preservation. It will try to go back down the tunnel despite the flooding and you need to block its way.

If it can't go back down the hole, it'll start running around. We don't do anything mean to the spider, we just freak ourselves out, looking at it. When we're done freaking out we'll guide it back to it's flooded home and let it go back down the hole. Then we'll move on to another one.

To nobody's surprise, this spider was a big 'un - around 2-3 inches long and with it's legs spread out, about 3-4 inches in diameter. I'm just very slightly freaking out as I write those words.

*shiver*

In this particular case, the spider went on the offense.

It tried to attack the stick.

And, if I could make a tiny suggestion? Click on the above pictures and they'll blow up to screen-size. You can see the freaky, nasty spider at 20 times his size.

Yep. You'll sleep well tonight.

At this point, we had an unexpected visitor to the farm -

My brother, Dan.

Ain't he purty? He's also a smart ass. Which is the highest compliment I can pay another human being.

Still think he's purty? Doesn't matter, we don't love him for his looks. We love him for his spider-hunting capabilities. Dan's the only one of us who ever had the nerve to touch - with his bare hands - one of the spiders we were abusing.

So of course his visit was providential. The kids and I begged him to participate.

"Will you do it? Huh? Can you pick it up? With your hands? Huh? Please? It'd be AWESOME." And that was just me talking.

Now, if you're going to try this at home, you have to prepare yourself. You have to be in the perfect position, above the spider, so you can grab it around it's thorax, or middle part, very slightly squeezing its legs so it can't move.

So, Dan was psyching himself up for this, kneeling on the ground, still dressed in his nice work clothes and here's what I said,

"Don't hurt it! Be careful and don't squeeze it too tightly, OK? DON'T HURT IT."

To which my brother responded, "What about me?"

Whatever.

Anyway, Uncle Dan successfully captured the spider and was preparing to give it a big smooch, to the horrified delight of my kids.

Uncle Dan is a rock star for that reason alone.

So, if you've ever had any doubts about my capabilities as a wildlife expert, I hope this post has put those to rest.

You're welcome.

Fat Friday: Candy Corn Cookies

2010-10-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween!

As a Christian, I don't think I'm supposed to, but I can't help it. I think it's more about the sights and smells of fall than Halloween itself, but still. We don't do scary/gory/bloody corpses coming out of coffins. We do pumpkins and candy corn and smiley, friendly jack-o-lanterns. I love spicy-smelling candles and all the wonderful things we bake at this time of year. Things with apples and cinnamon and pumpkin.

And these cookies! I think they're going to be a Karenpie Halloween tradition - they were that fun to make.

I found the recipe on Tasty Kitchen last year and earmarked it to try later. Of course, later meant an entire year later. It's actually pretty amazing I even remembered it. But I'm so glad I found it again! These are the cutest darn cookies EVER. They're slightly high-maintenance but completely worth the effort.

Ready? Start with a sugar cookie recipe. You can use any you like. I like to use this one. I doubled the recipe and it was perfect. In addition to sugar cookie dough, you'll also need yellow and orange food coloring.

Let's get started!

Divide your dough into 3 equal portions. If you're OCD and have a kitchen scale it makes it easier. Each of my dough blobs weighed exactly a pound. Actually, if you aren't OCD and you have a kitchen scale, it will be easier.

On the other hand, if you are OCD and do not have a kitchen scale, you'll be paralyzed - completely unable to continue with these cookies - until you get one. Oh, and you'll be sucking your thumb in the fetal position too.

Good luck with that.

This concludes the empathetic segment of our broadcast.

Grab a loaf pan and line it with plastic wrap. If you slightly grease the pan it will keep the plastic wrap in place. Make sure the plastic wrap is long enough that it hangs over the sides of the pan.

Take one of the 3 dough blobs and pat it into the pan. Try to make it as level as possible.

Next, get your yellow food coloring out and color the 2nd blob. Don't you love my professional description? Blob. What a great word.

Put it on top of the white dough and pat it evenly into place.

You know what comes next, don't you? Uh-huh, get the orange food coloring and do the same thing to the final piece of dough. I mean blob.

Pat the orange dough on top of the yellow, for your third and final layer.

Is your arm tired from mixing food coloring into cookie dough? Mine was. Next time I plan on making three separate batches of cookie dough in my mixer and letting the mixer do the work.

Wrap it up and refrigerate it. I left mine overnight. The colder it is, the easier it is to work with because . . . .

- you're going to slice it in thin slices -

- and cut the slices into triangles.

Roll the triangles in sugar and place on an ungreased cookie sheet.

Bake 8 minutes at 375F (if you're using my recipe) and . . .

Voila! Aren't these the cutest cookies ever? EVER?

When I first started baking them, I was cutting the slices a little too thick. As they baked they spread out too much and lost their shape. I finally figured out - on the last batch I cut - that I could flatten each strip with my rolling pin.

The final batch of cookies was a bit smaller and flatter. I liked them better because they baked more evenly and held the triangle shape better.

I'm telling you, it just doesn't get any cuter than this.

Fabulosity. Yes, of course it's a word. Sheesh.

2010-10-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

This past weekend found us in Denver for our niece's wedding. What a fun weekend!

. . . . aaaaaaand I wrote that 9 days ago. What's wrong with me? Why have I blown off Karenpie for an unprecedented 14 days? I mean, the guilt alone should have motivated me. But I must confess - guilt has never, ever been a motivator. I'm pretty good at rationalization, justification and any other -ation that helps me avoid the hard truth.

So, where were we? Oh yes, our niece's wedding! Which let me tell you was beyond fabulous. She is creative, artistic and very gutsy. She's also an architect. And organized.

She's an organized, gutsy, creative, artistic architect.

Or a gutsy, artistic, architectural, organizational creator.

Or maybe a . . .

Shutting up.

Let me start at the beginning and show you all the fabulous details.

When we checked into our hotel, we had a goodie bag waiting for us, marked with this cute tag. Alli (the bride) and her mom had made them for out-of-town guests. It had a map and bottled water and a bunch of candy in it. My kids gave it a very high score because of the candy alone.

And - speaking of hotels - we spent a lot of time in ours. Weddings are crazy busy. There was no time to just relax with the family and hang out. They all had to-do lists a mile long. I don't know why I was surprised - this particular wedding was full of cool little details and somebody had to follow through. But, that somebody wasn't us so we did a lot of relaxing.

And the kids did a lot of this . . . . . .

. . . and this. Be aware that the down escalator is on the left and up is on the right. My children have discovered the inimitable entertainment in going the opposite direction on a moving escalator.

I'm proud to say I taught them how to do it.

You should all be lucky enough to grow up with mothers who could care less about multiplication tables or learning Spanish but by gosh, we're gonna have us some red-neck fun on the big-city movin' stairs!

Yee.

Haw.

Continuing on . . .

The wedding and rehearsal were in a beautiful, old historic Methodist church in downtown Denver. It was made of this beautiful stone that you see in the walls behind the kids (if you can tear your eyes away from the sheer beauty of my children, all smiling perfectly for the camera).

There was beauty all around us!

The gorgeous bride and groom. Look at her headpiece - it was small with netting that covered just a tiny part of her hair. Very cool.

Beautiful maids-of-honor, cousins Emily and Madi!

Aunt Pam and Uncle Dave, the parents of the bride (Duane's sister and husband).

Duane's brother and his family.

Long-time friends, Lori and Dave. We all went through Jr. High and High school together. Lori and Duane have been friends since they were fetuses. Yes. It's possible.

Moving on, let's check out some more beautiful people. Our family is full of them.

Here is a beautiful usher, wearing a tux for the first time in his life . . .

. . . and beautiful gift attendants . . .

The beautiful gift attendant loved the bubbles -

Bubbles we blew as the wedding party left the church.

Then it was time for the reception! Oh the reception - talk about details - let me show you some fabulosity.

Centerpiece flowers in all shades of purple. Note the white feathers.

There was a mashed potato bar on the buffet. Served in martini glasses. You could choose mashed white or sweet potatoes with all manner of toppings. The kids were in heaven. Mashed potato heaven.

But this - this - was the most fun! A candy bar. A bar for candy. A buffet of purple candy! The centerpiece is a tall vase of white feathers and circling the vase were block letters spelling out "LOVE IS SWEET" and "I DO". There were apothecary jars, trifle bowls and vases full of M&M's, gum balls, gummy bears, rock candy, jordan almonds, malted milk balls - it went on and on. There were scoops by every jar so people could scoop out candy into small paper bags. Those were the wedding favors. No small net bags with 4 jordan almonds in them for my kids. Oh no, we went for the bucket-o-candy size.

It was so colorful and festive. I'm trying to think of some way, short of having a wedding reception again, to do this - maybe for a Christmas party or Halloween party? Wouldn't that be fun to let your guests go crazy at the end of the night and serve themselves a little take-home treat? Just what we need for a Halloween party - more candy at the end of the night.

We had a blast! Did I already say that? And we got to dress up.

It isn't very often we all get to be high maintenance at the same time.

The many faces of surprise

2010-09-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

As you well know, I always look good. I always have on makeup and I never have a bad hair day. My clothes are always highly fashionable and well-accessorized. I never have fat days. And drinking wine never makes my hands and feet swell. And I'm always in a good mood and never crabby. And my hiney always looks skinny. I never take a bad picture because I'm so extremely photogenic. Seriously, I should be a super-model.

So, being the picture of perfection that I am, it is extremely difficult to show you these next pictures. But I'm all - ALL - about being honest. Honestly. When it comes to being realistic, I guess I should be a role model or something.

We're all friends here, right? I'm pretty sure you won't take me off the pedestal. Or knock me off. Or use a crane and a wrecking ball to remove me. From the pedestal.

So . . . observe the real me. Preserved for all eternity by Lisa, who took the pictures at the surprise party. You may need a glass of wine before you start.

Hi Karenpie. Aren't you glad you were chewing gum before you walked into the surprise?

Because I firmly believe the gum detracts from my double chin.

Oh. Oh dear. Where did the gum go? It was the best part of the pictures.

And finally . . . .

The lovely, gracious, gentle face of surprise.

The super models are runnin' scared now.