I can't make up my mind

Should I keep all the ugly stuff I deal with to myself? Or do you want me to be real? Which is it? Real or gross? Make up your minds because I'm waiting . . . . . . still waiting . . . . . OK, FINE.

You get both.

Let's take a little trip around the yard, shall we? *WARNING* Some of the following photos may contain content that will disturb you. Oh heck, since I'm keeping it real I may as well say it - you're going to be grossed out. Now's your last chance to leave. Go visit Bakerella. She made cinnamon rolls.

Are you still here? OK, as a reward for your bravery, I'll put some pretty pictures in here too. To dilute the grossness.

Let's roll. I'll start with the pretty pictures first.

These flowers all came from our yard, picked by Katie. That girl of mine is a master flower picker. It smells so good! I think it's the white daffodils that smell so lovely.

I took a break from flower arranging to go grocery shopping and wandered out to the garden section at Fred Meyer. I was surrounded by flowers and starter vegetables and herbs. Around these parts you're not supposed to put plants in until Mother's Day or until all the snow has melted off Silver Star Mountain. I usually wait until Mother's Day to be sure but the temptation was too much.

I came. I saw. I used my American Express.

I'm living life on the edge, man. I'm pushing the envelope. I'm living life in the fast lane because I planted flowers in my planter boxes on April 18th. Woo hoo. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal, huh?

I got scarlet and hot pink geraniums and white bacopa. I love the way the bacopa spills over the sides of the planters.

I also got a rhubarb plant. Now this I'm really excited about! My very own rhubarb! No more sneaking around in the dead of night, wearing camo and night vision goggles and stealing it out of people's yards.

WAIT. Did I say that? I meant, after I GOT PERMISSION FROM THE HOMEOWNER. Yes, that's what I meant to say. Anyway, how long does it take for rhubarb to mature? How long will it take for this little, dinky plant to get big enough to produce enough stalks for me to make rhubarb butter? Anybody know? Please educate me.

Duane helped me get the garden boxes ready. Let me just say, nothing - I mean NOTHING - wears me out faster than digging and shoveling. Why am I such a wimp? I've been doing Pilates for 8 months. I expect more.

I dug out my chives and thyme and put them over by the fence. I also dug out an oregano that gets so big it shadows everything in the box but here's a tip: you want to attract bees and other pollinators to your garden? Plant oregano. The bees around here love it. Once it starts blooming, there's a constant hum of activity and buzzing on the oregano.

I'm going to wait to plant my seeds on Mother's Day. I just can't do it sooner - too dangerous. I'm putting in 2 kinds of beans - French to eat and Blue Lakes to can. I didn't have much luck canning my French beans last year. They got mushy. Won't make that mistake again.

And now, since I have two full boxes to work with, what should I plant? Besides the beans, I mean. Beans and carrots are a given. Zucchini usually ends up in the garden too. I've given up on tomatoes. For some reason I can't grow them so I said "uncle" a couple of years ago and now I let Bizi Farms do the work.

My beautiful boxes are ready to go! Except for getting some chicken poop to work into the soil. Nice segue, huh? You knew the grossness was just around the corner . . . .

I took a spin around the yard, checking on everything. My dahlias are coming up and that's fun, seeing them poke their green heads up through the soil. I know in a couple of months I'll have beautiful flowers all along the back of the house!

But wait - what's this? Where are the leaves? Why are some of the stalks chewed off? SLUGS. The slugs have been eating my dahlias those bastards. No more Mrs. Nice Guy. Time for chemicals.

Now I have these lovely crop circles around my dahlia plants. And look -

Dead slugs. Teach you to mess with me you - you - bastards.

And the grossness isn't over. I did some weeding too. The weeds were especially bad by the back door. Probably because of the extra fertilizer . . . .

Can you see the two mouse bodies? There's a regular rodent graveyard right outside my back door. I made the mistake of moving one of them. Do you see what looks like small, white grains of rice below the gray fur? Well, those grains weren't rice. You know how I could tell? BECAUSE THEY WERE MOVING, THAT'S WHY. Gag, gag, gag. Maggots, right outside my back door. I took care of that problem rather quickly.

There were the mortal remains of four mice in the area. Or voles or shrews. Kinda hard to tell at this point. Our outside kitty, Krissy, is apparently quite the hunter. And she likes to share her trophies with us. Isn't that considerate?

"What? You're not impressed? What's wrong with you people?"

"I worked hard to bring those home to you. You're not very appreciative."

"So quit your whining . . .

. . and wake me up when you're ready to a) pet me or b) feed me. Now go weed something."